20th September, 2009
Question
I was married to a physically abusive man for 17 years and finally, at the age of 42, I found the courage to leave with my three children after a particularly bad assault. This is something I'm very proud of. I got counselling for a year and finally started to feel good about myself. That was ten years ago. What's bothering me is the way I behaved during those ten years.
I started drinking and going out with girlfriends on the town. I also became very promiscuous. I went on a couple of foreign holidays and had some weekends away. The sexual flings mostly happened on these occasions and I had about 15 sexual partners. Now I feel consumed with guilt and shame. I've been celibate for the past year, and only have one glass of wine when out for dinner.
I know it would be easy to blame my husband for my behaviour, but that would entail deceiving myself. Did I behave badly because of low self-worth? Or was it a new-found confidence in myself? Or was I trying to control and be powerful in these relationships? I feel so bad about it all. I was faithful to my husband during our marriage, although I wonder now was that just out of fear.
I don't want to go on beating myself up. I am a good mother and my children are in good jobs and good relationships. I don't want to be with anyone anymore and feel I will never have another sexual relationship. When I look back now I feel I was somebody else. I'm trying very hard to put the past behind me, and to friends and family I seem happy and optimistic. But when I close my door and am on my own again, the past comes back.
Answer
What hurts most about being abused is not the pain, social embarrassment or fear. It's the fact that we take it. It's the shame we feel when we look in the mirror. We deeply disgust ourselves. It doesn't matter whether the abuse is physical, emotional, intellectual, social or psychological, hidden or obvious, coming from family, husband, teacher, work colleague or alleged friend. We are gutted by our lack of dignity.
In that scenario we have two choices. We either agree that we are worthy of disgust, and at some level accept the abuse. Or we manage to see beyond our immediate situation, and argue to ourselves that we don't deserve this treatment. For most people that's not quite such a clear-cut choice. Most of us have our self-doubt. At the very least, most of us scan our conscience, examine our behaviour, generally check ourselves out to see if punishment is deserved - even if we fundamentally disagree with the form such punishment takes. You can, in other words, clearly see that your husband should not hit you, while still thinking that perhaps he has a point.
You got out, which is wonderful. Not easy when you're trapped with the responsibility of children. That doesn't mean your sense of self was totally intact. It just means you were not prepared to live with the violence. And it certainly doesn't mean that you've forgiven yourself for taking the punishment in the first place. I'd say, at a guess, that you went a bit wild because you were both giddy about your bravery at getting out, and still not terribly proud of yourself. The scars of accepting abuse run deep.
I'm glad you've got the booze in hand. I'm not so sure about the celibacy. Why wouldn't you find someone to love, and who loves you? The time has come to stop beating yourself up and look back, instead, with the gentle eye of compassion, forgiveness if you like, perhaps even an understanding pity, at the woman who took abuse, for whatever reasons, some of them practical, and finally fought back. You've won the badge of dignity. Wear it with pride.
