7th September, 2008
Question
I'm 30 and with my boyfriend for the past five years. A year ago we went through a particularly difficult time. I was bogged down with family and career issues and during this time I found my boyfriend to be cold and unsupportive. Looking back, I think he was resentful of the time I spent trying to resolve things. From his perspective, my family, in particular, made huge demands on me.
During this time there was nothing physical happening between us. This was something new, as we had amazing sexual chemistry right from the start of our relationship. But during that difficult period I was too stressed to have sex, and certainly never initiated it. After a while, my boyfriend stopped trying too. At first I felt relieved. Then I felt rejected. It would still happen infrequently, enough to maintain some sense of normality, but we were both aware how it had dwindled. Barriers began to build up and we stopped communicating about it.
Then, during a stag party in Amsterdam, he went to a lap-dancing club and when I probed, he admitted he'd bought a dance. I was stunned. I just wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt. He apologised, but I am still haunted by this, six months on. I feel ridiculous because I know this is a part of every-day life now, but although I feel pathetic admitting it, the truth is my sexual confidence is shattered. We do have sex, but I feel too self-conscious to do anything out of the ordinary. I feel defensive if there is anything relating to strippers or lap-dancing on TV.
I'm not sure why I feel so upset still. I just feel I can't trust my boyfriend to look after our relationship. And I can't bring up the subject again. We've been through it often. I do know that if my boyfriend suspected I was still this upset, he would be shocked. And he'd probably think I was being melodramatic. It feels like I'm living a lie and I've no idea how to fix it.
Answer
Let's cut to the chase. Families eat us up. No, not all families and not all the time. It's just that mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews - all have the capacity to ravage our emotional resources. That's if we let them, of course. The relationship we're in then suffers. It's as simple as that. Your amazing physical chemistry with your boyfriend fizzled out. You were suffering emotional burn-out. You lost the capacity for sexual excitement.
I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm siding with your boyfriend. This is not about taking sides. It's about telling the truth. You found him cold and unsupportive and you suppose he resented the time you spent on your family. Perhaps. Perhaps, too, he saw how you were being drained by their demands and tried to stem the tide. It's easy to formulate this in terms of your boyfriend being selfish. But you could argue that he was fighting for your relationship, however inexpertly.
You've written largely about your boyfriend. Whether you exactly mean to or not, you blame him for the current situation, and particularly for your loss of sexual self-confidence. Even if you're not actually blaming him in your heart, you are looking through the wrong end of the telescope. All of this really has nothing to do with him.You are emotionally distressed, certainly. That distress, however, is the result of choices you made. Let me say it simply. If the extended family eats us up to the point where we turn away from sex with a partner we love, then we urgently need to disengage. Because that's emotional burn-out, and puts a relationship on the line. Not good.
You are emotionally exhausted. That means two things: Reassess your commitments to family - and to the job if that's still stressing you. And tank up on good things like rest, relaxation, self-care, joyful pursuits, and anything you can think of that will bring peace of mind. Your boyfriend clearly loves you and has stuck faithfully by you. Draw comfort and a sense of safety from that. And drop the sexual angst. He doesn't want you dancing in a G-string around the bedroom - although maybe that would be nice. He wants you to love him and desire him and be cuddly and close.
So, basically, you both want and need each other. That has to be good, doesn't it?
