1st March, 2009
Question
Where do I start? I'm 50 this year and deeply unhappy. I got married at 20 years of age to an alcoholic and have four lovely children. The marriage itself only lasted ten years. It ended because I had an affair, which affected everybody including my children. The man in question was married and his wife was truly devastated too. She let everybody know, quite rightly so. I didn't really love this man, it was just an escape for me.
Rearing my children alone wasn't easy. During those years my mother was seriously ill and eventually died. She had reared us alone, as my father died when I was very young. My relationship with my mother was strained. I had been a very timid child who never felt loved. I was bullied, in school and at home. Our house was always a truly horrible place to be, with everyone fighting each other. My mother in particular was very difficult, often pretending to leave us, only relenting when we went ballistic. A brother I was particularly close to also died unexpectedly during this time. This was made much worse by the fact that we had fought over my mother's will and never made it up. In my defence, everyone thought he was wrong, and that I was taking the right stance. Yet I still feel great grief about him. I miss him terribly. I did manage to catch up with my education and got a decent job.
To sum up, I'm drinking every night, at least one bottle of wine, but holding down the good job. I don't trust people much anymore. The friends I had don't bother with me anymore because I've insulted them through drink. I'm trying desperately to get back on track, but personally I don't think it will happen. To add to my troubles, I've got involved with another married man. I'm very impressed with him, because he's a professional, even though I know he's using me. He has made it clear that he “loves me”, but can't leave his wife.
I'm desperately lonely and understand why people end their lives. I'm almost there. But I don't want to insult my children who are lovely, talented and popular young men and women. What can I do? I'm not wealthy and am still supporting my youngest daughter who is in college, even though she does her best to contribute. I badly need advice.
Answer
You began with a telling question about where you should start. And you answered it like a true alcoholic. You first laid out a thousand reasons as to why you drink. By the time you explained that you do so, the scene had been set. You had painted yourself as a victim of circumstance.
I hate being harsh. Well, I'm never harsh, but I hate even sounding like I'm putting the boot in. There's just no other way to respond to you. Your drinking has messed up your life to the point where you want to die. This is not the time, then, for sympathetic hand-holding. To help you take control, we have to talk straight. You are drinking. You have to stop. Few of us manage to kick addiction on our own. Take your pick. ANEW is a support group specifically for women overcoming alcohol abuse. And Alcoholics Anonymous you undoubtedly know. All contact details are listed at the front of the telephone directory.
The language of victim-status is subtle. The sub-text is profound, colouring everything you tell me. Look at your description of your current entanglement with a married man. You talk as though you fell into this relationship, and speak of it adding to your troubles, as though you had no choice. Being an intelligent woman, you see that this man is spinning a predicable yarn about loving you, but not leaving his wife. Yet you make no move to stop the inherent abuse in that set-up. On the contrary, you tell me you're impressed because he's a professional.
Your low self-esteem is obvious, and painful to see. Your anger is more hidden, but also more damaging to you. It leads to something akin to real pleasure as you watch the dishonesty and deceit of your affair. There is a kind of revelling in your degradation. Deep down you despise this man, but you despise yourself even more. So you angrily encourage emotional abuse. How sad.
You don't need me to tell you that your depression and despair are fuelled by that anger, turned in on yourself. And no-one, as you know, can help change that until you take the first step. Making that phone call to a support group is a statement that deep down you're worth it. Unfortunately, no amount of reassurance from me will convince you that you're worth it. That decision is down to you.
Crutches are crucial at certain moments of our lives. You have a very powerful one. If you can't yet believe you're a worthy human being, you can support yourself with the very real knowledge that your children need you. They are worth the effort, even if you feel right this moment that you are not. They don't deserve a dead mother. They don't deserve a self-destructive mother either. Help is only a phone call away. Can I ask you to make that call? I would like to say for your own sake, since you are worthy of such self-care. But if that feels like a step too far, then for the sake of your children? Please?
