28th September, 2008
Question
I'm 27, the mother of two daughters aged 7 and 9 years old. Last Saturday my husband took our children out shopping while I went to my regular gym session. When I returned home I was accosted by two burglars, who said they wouldn't hurt me, but would have to tie me up. That sent a quiver through me, but I'm very fit and agile and I thought I'd be able to get free quickly.
As it turned out, I couldn't because they had bound me so tightly and gagged me too. I could not get loose and had to lie there until my family returned about three hours later. The kids helped my husband untie me and were very comforting and quite calm. That evening as I put them to bed I assured them I was fine and that being tied up was not such a terrible ordeal.
I have discussed with my husband the possibility that we should make an appointment with a psychologist to talk to the girls. Even though they seem to have taken this event in their stride, I think finding their mother bound and gagged on the floor could have some lingering emotional effect on them. My husband worries that sessions with a psychologist could put concerns and fears into their heads that are not there at the moment. They are behaving normally and I'm not sure what to do. We moved abroad two years ago, so there's no family around to talk to about this.
Answer
I clearly can't give a definitive diagnosis on how your kids are coping. And as you are undoubtedly aware, trauma counselling has become commonplace. Psychologists are called into all kinds of situations, to see if children are coping after some sad or frightening incident like the death of a classmate. The basic principle is that it's good to get children talking about what happened. Too often they push fearful things away, only to be haunted by them later.
I don't know if your children actually need professional counselling. And I do understand your husband's concern that the formality of being taken to a therapist might make a mountain out of a molehill. I do believe, however, that your children need to be encouraged to talk about what happened. This isn't about asking them a series of particularly pointed questions. It's about creating an atmosphere of openness, raising the topic in general terms, telling them that sometimes we're shocked and don't even know it. It's also important to watch out for stress responses which may set in later, like bedwetting, or reluctance to go to school, or anxiety about where you are - at which point you need to talk to them about fear and feelings of insecurity.
The bottom line is that children need to be reassured that they are safe, because their parents are strong and can cope. Which brings me to my real point. How are you? Certainly it wasn't a nice experience for your children. But it was a truly terrifying one for you. You were terribly brave. And despite what you felt you had to tell them as you tucked them into bed, it was a dreadful ordeal. My concern is that you're burying that reality. I don't doubt the legitimacy of your worries about your children. But are you focussing on them as part of hiding from your own terror? It's a pretty standard response, and I'm not in any way knocking you. That's what trauma does. It sends the psyche into hiding. So how about you booking a session with a psychologist for yourself? And then see how it goes.
