27th July, 2008
Question
I've been married to my husband for six months. I have said really hurtful things to him, like saying that I hate him, regret marrying him, wish I'd never met him, feel that he has ruined my life. But I really do feel like that a lot of the time. I feel he pays me no attention. He goes to work, comes home, and then wants to watch television until it's time to go to bed. Weekends are no better because I work while he hangs out with friends. And when I get home, as likely as not he's not even back.
We also both have a habit of hitting each other. I think I was actually the first one to hit out, but he now hits back. I never thought too much about him hitting me, since I felt I was to blame, having started it all originally. But lately he's been getting physical first. He says it's to bring me to my senses because I'm crying or complaining. Last time was the worst. He hit me so hard I almost blacked out. I was so frightened I left the house.
When I returned the house was empty and I knew he'd gone to his mother's. After crying for hours I went over there because I just couldn't stand being alone. He said he was divorcing me, tried to make me leave, and ended up pulling me by the hair towards the door. His mother walked in and eventually calmed him down. Next day I think it all sunk in and he said he loved me and wanted to try again.
I do want to, but when is enough enough? I am so hurt by how he treated me and so scared I can hardly look at him. How can I move on when I still see the look in his eyes as he tried to get me out of his mother's house? He is a very controlling person, and always thinks that his way is best.
Answer
What can I say? You're in a physically abusive relationship. And yes, sometimes women are the first to hit out. That's partially, I think, because they believe they'll get away with it. You see it in the movies - she slaps his face, he backs off. Some men, of course, don't back off. Before you know it, physicality is then the preferred form of communication when it comes to anger, frustration or despair. And just like nasty words can escalate, so can blows.
I accept you're afraid. I can see that you feel the current truce is fragile. But I also believe your fear is hiding an emotional truth. The truth is you're not a victim. The violence in your marriage is not one-way traffic. The two of you are potentially violent, the two of you are emotionally dependent, the two of you have engaged in unacceptable behaviour, and the two of you need to seek some counselling. In psychological terms, the two of you have a problem communicating, and coming to some kind of consensus. You have both behaved badly, to be blunt.
Don't paint your husband as the villain by emphasising too much that you feel fear. That will simply get his back up, not least because it's only part of the story. Instead, talk to him about the need to find a more acceptable way of telling each other how you feel. And find that marriage counsellor fast.
