1st March, 2009
Question
We are shattered. We are devastated. Our son, our only child, is declaring himself to be homosexual. He is 20 years of age and in his first year of college. He is a bright lad and never gave us a day's trouble or worry - until now. He was/is a joy. I have prayed until I am sick. My husband is on medication for high blood-pressure, is severely stressed all the time, and cannot sleep. He says “never a day goes by that I don't cry”. What a waste.
I am distressed, crying bitterly, and full of guilty questions like where did we go wrong. What did we do, or fail to do? I cannot close my eyes at night without crying out loud and wondering and worrying about him. How can we relieve this situation?
We have not discussed the issue with friends although some close relations are aware of it. We feel we have to sell our small business and move away from here. I don't think I can bear this any longer. Yes, we think of the anguish our son must have gone through/must still be going through, his loneliness and isolation. Yet he is happy to visit gay clubs and meet with other men.
We have talked, insofar as we are able. Yet he seems to jolly the whole thing along as if it were the 'hip' thing to do to be homosexual, and delighted to say “I'm gay”. He says he could be bisexual. Is this instant gratification? Is this a long-term route or is there a way back? Is this nature, or nurture? Is this the new way forward? Is this about getting attention and being noticed? Is this tolerable?
As far as we can see, homosexuality has become the new icon for youth. If we made mistakes, then I believe the biggest one was failing to fully supervise our son's addiction to homosexual pornography on his laptop. I believe it is an addiction, a dangerous one. I think my son feels that he cannot now have a relationship with a girl, and “prefers to be with men”. Help.
Answer
Political correctness has shut parents up. From that perspective, it's good to hear an honest emotional response to the news of a son 'coming out'. Of course you're distressed. A 'gay' life is not easy, no matter how accepting society has become. Nobody would actually wish it for their son. And of course you're disappointed. You saw your only child's future in terms of the social mainstream, undoubtedly with a wife and children as part of the package. Your dream has been dashed.
That said, let us be clear. You're so busy dealing with your own emotions that you're not really thinking about your son. You don't even feel sympathetic towards him. On the contrary, you're angry with him, so angry in fact, that you think his claim to being gay may just be a bid for notoriety. I have no idea, of course. I know nothing about your son. I do know, however, that we have a duty to be adult in our dealings with life. I understand the shock. But I also think there's an element of excessive drama going on here, for lack of a better description. And no, I don't wish to offend.
Society certainly matters. The good opinion of our neighbours matters. Moving away because a son declares he's gay, however, is a serious step too far. Even talking about it indicates an absence of maturity, however temporary. Why would you shut up shop and scarper? You've reached an uncomfortable milestone in your life. Deal with it, like adults. This is your son you're talking about. Irrespective of how he's handling it - and it sounds like he's gone the somewhat brazen route - he needs his parents to be mature. It's not just your dignity that's at stake. Your son needs intelligent support.
This is no time for social philosophy either. We'll talk some other time about the broader issues around homosexuality. The shock is surely receding now. Get a grip. Put your arms around your son and talk to him. His brazenness after all may well be no more than a defiant and desperate attempt to stay afloat. Whatever, he needs you both to think straight. You need to do that for yourselves too.
