13th July, 2008
Question
I'm seeking advice regarding my wife and will probably incur the wrath of all the country's females in the process.
My wife and I have a good relationship, with all the usual ups and downs - a busy life, small children, both working, large mortgage, etc. etc. But we get on with it as best we can. Our children are close in age, my wife had healthy pregnancies, and thank God we have two beauties.
The problem is that my wife put up a bit of weight after the babies and this gets her very down. I love her dearly and want her to be happy. But if I even mention the word 'weight', she flies off the handle, accusing me of not being sensitive to her, or of comparing her to slimmer women. I don't put pressure on her to loose weight. I tell her she's a good-looking woman, which she is. I would like her to lose weight, but definitely not for me. It's for her own sake, as I can see how unhappy the extra weight is making her.
She has lost confidence in herself. She worries endlessly when we have to attend a social occasion. She comments incessantly on other women, and how well they look. She ends up hiding herself in big loose clothes to disguise her tummy, in the process doing herself no favours at all. She is certainly not as 'fat' as she thinks she is, but is so self-conscious now that I know she actually avoids certain situations.
What can I do to help her? She works in a sedentary job, and is then busy with the children. I work long hours, so she can't easily get out to walk or exercise or go to the gym like other women might. She has about two stone to lose. She says I don't help her enough or encourage her enough. But how do I do this without appearing critical? I don't want to add to her low self-esteem, but I do want her to be happy. She is a great wife and a great mother.
How do other men handle this type of thing? I even feel bad writing about her in this way, but it's not a subject I could or would discuss with friends or family, out of loyalty to her.
Answer
This isn't about the two stone your wife needs to lose. So no-one needs to accuse you of weight-fascism, or rant on about fat as a feminist issue, or challenge your perception of the body beautiful. Weight is the issue here, but it's not the problem.
Your wife is at war with herself. She wants to lose weight, but hasn't got her act together. We all know the feeling - the cigarettes we want to give up, the drinking we want to cut down on, the fatty foods we should be cutting out for the sake of our cholesterol levels, the exercise we need to take for our troubled joints. It's a battle. But it's our own battle. Nobody else can, or should, do the calorie counting, or serve up salads we don't want, or place vitamin tablets beside our coffee cup, or buy us state-of-the-art trainers, or turn the telly up loud when adds for nicotine patches appear.
You love your wife. The hard part is butting out, or more accurately, refusing to be drawn in. Certainly you can facilitate any changes your wife wishes to make - like taking over the kids when she has a weekend walk, or settling for the fat and sugar-free food she's changed over to, or making some financial sacrifice so that she can afford a baby-sitter while she attends Weight Watchers. You can, in short, lend your weight, willingly, to her endeavours - and yes, I apologise for the pun.
You cannot, I repeat cannot, initiate any changes, or even voice any helpful ideas, let alone try to take control of this weight-loss programme. The reason is simple. Your wife is already off-loading responsibility for her unhappiness onto you. She says that you're failing to be supportive, that you're critical, that you compare her to other women. The truth is, she does all this herself. Psychologists call it projection, presuming others feel and do what you're feeling and doing. Even engaging in a conversation with her about weight will strengthen that projection. Your wife feels awful about herself. She badly needs a fall-guy. Projection allows her to off-load some of that distress. Don't fall into the trap.
That doesn't mean you've no right to an opinion. On the contrary, it's important to state your case, the truth as you see it. The trick is, as the attractive female French Resistance fighter in 'Allo, Allo' always emphasised, to say it only once. You think your wife should lose, ball-park, two stone. You also think she's selling herself short in the attraction stakes by wearing loose dresses. You think she would look better if she were slimmer. Don't pretend you don't. It just clouds the emotional atmosphere. Tell her. And then shut up.
You can't rescue your wife from herself. You can't help her. You can't support her, other than on specific tasks like making time, and then only when she asks. And you can't have another conversation about weight - not even when she's in tears and turns to you. And at the risk of repeating myself, this is a universal rule - and not actually about weight at all. Think of your friend the workaholic. Can his wife fix his bad work-life balance? Exactly.
