29th June, 2008
Question
I have been married for 13 years. I have a good job, three lovely children and a good standard of living. And I'm about to leave all this behind. I cannot stand my wife's behaviour.
The problems were there in the marriage almost from the start. My wife has a second persona, which is nasty, threatening and abusive. At the beginning, this side to her only showed itself occasionally. I was always alarmed when it did, and spoke at length to my wife about it.
She blamed her mother, whom she claimed was verbally abusive to her as a child. I didn't accept this and constantly reminded her that she was responsible for her own behaviour. I asked her to seek therapy, but after two or three sessions she quit, saying that the therapist didn't know what she was talking about. I didn't accept this either, and we had many rows about her behaviour and what it was doing to our marriage. But there were so many positive aspects to our relationship that I was prepared to overlook what I thought at the time was a minor problem, which we could work through.
Over the past two years the problem has become more serious. The rows erupt over the most minor of things and my wife has become really aggressive, shouting, hitting and throwing things at me. The abuse has escalated, and she has threatened me with a knife on a number of occasions. I do not feel safe at home and sleep alone with my bedroom door locked. The reasons for these outbursts can be as simple as me arriving home a quarter of an hour late, or one of the children spilling something on the floor. Needless to say, we are beyond the point where there is any intimacy. After these episodes my wife is very remorseful and speaks about ‘a voice inside her head' making her do this.
These rows sometimes occur in front of the children, who run to their rooms terrified. I am not a violent person and tend to withdraw from conflict, but I feel that in this situation I have to stand firm because of what it is doing to the children. That's why I feel I have to leave.
I feel totally alone. My wife has insulted my family to such an extent that they do not want anything to do with us and have told me to just leave the marriage. But I am concerned that if I do leave, my wife will make up all sorts of lies about me to prevent me from seeing the children.
Answer
You do understand, don't you, that the picture you paint is of a woman possessed, to use a literary rather than technical phrase. You talk of her having a second persona, of her explaining that a voice within makes her vicious, and you tell me that you fear for your life as you lie locked in your bedroom at night. The logic of the language you use, at one level, is that your wife needs psychiatric help.
On the other hand, you treat her like a bad-tempered harridan. You report how you constantly tell your wife that she's responsible for her own actions. You talk of her insulting your family, which of course requires deliberate intent. And you're planning to leave, which presumes she can function as a human being on her own. So you also see her as capable and competent.
Into that mix comes something else. It seems, from what you say, that your wife's temper is directed solely at you. Yes, she's been nasty to your family, but that's just an extension of her war with you. There's no talk of her being nasty to the children, or the neighbours, or the man in the local shop. This ‘second persona' apparently exhibits itself only in relation to you. You also tell me that you're a conflict avoider. And that, as you know, can drive an angry person to increasingly threatening extremes. No, I'm not justifying any of your wife's behaviour. I'm just trying to help you sort out your mind on the precise nature of your dilemma.
In that spirit, can I give you some feedback. From the very beginning of your marriage you have taken, and continue to hold, the moral high ground. As always in a relationship, this is somewhat disingenuous if not outright dishonest, emotionally speaking. The person who explodes is always the loser, invariably occupying a one-down position, when the other partner does an emotional blocking routine. It's so easy to lecture your wife about her temper - and leave her in the constant position of having to come and apologise. It's infinitely harder for her to catch a conflict avoider, to pin down what he's actually doing, to place on the table the nature of his emotional withdrawal. Put bluntly, there's a pair of you in it - whether your wife has crossed some line in the sand of psychiatric diagnostics or not.
At this stage, however, serious fear for your safety has entered the equation, which changes everything. You badly need to get help. And no, I don't mean simply telling someone your troubles. You need immediate and serious professional guidance on the question of your personal safety. Some of us fear unnecessarily. And some of us down-play a truly dangerous scenario. Be wise. Involve an expert to sort out which category you belong to, and then act accordingly.
