11th January, 2009
Question
I'm in my mid-forties and lately seem to be 'falling out' with all my family and friends. My children are in their late teens and I feel I don't really know my purpose in life anymore. I was a home-maker and mother but now the children are more independent and I am left on the shelf. Does everyone feel this way when they reach this stage?
I recently distanced myself from a long-term friend as I began to feel totally used. I was always doing the calling, organising, gifts, generally giving, and one day I asked her for a favour and got shrugged off with some daft excuse. I was the one always doing the favours and now feel that I must have 'mug' written across my forehead - and not just with this friend, but with a lot of people. As a result, I've come to the conclusion that I must avoid all of them from now on in.
I'm beginning to think that maybe I have tried too hard with people. I always found it difficult to make friends, which means I only have a small circle. I have no immediate family - as in parents and siblings - and perhaps I substituted other people to fill the gap.
Am I just getting old and difficult? Or have I come to a stage when I can see people for what they are? I seem to be disappointed by a lot of people, and feel let down by them. I sometimes feel so isolated, even when there are people around, and don't know where I'm going in life. I don't want to end up lonely.
Answer
When trouble comes, the hardest task of all is turning the spot-light on ourselves. That's because we're trained to think in terms of blame. Add to that the fact that we're already feeling hurt, unloved and generally undermined by a sense of helplessness, our self-confidence seriously shattered. Small wonder we all do what you're doing. We look for the shortcomings in others.
That brings no answers. Worse it confirms our helplessness, encourages cynicism, isolates us. We can't change others - at least not directly. So we're left stuck. Look at you. Although you don't use the word, you're a victim. And the reason doesn't lie with others. You perceive yourself as a victim because of your perspective, your emphasis on what people do. See how often we're using the words 'others' and 'people' here? It's a road to no-where. Let's get off it.
You've loved yourself by loving others. If you like, you've nurtured your soul by serving others. Good, up to a point. Saints, however, have a secret. They look after themselves. They feed their own spirit. They don't look to those they help for their meaning in life. They have that all worked out for themselves. Their reward lies elsewhere. They are not even remotely dependent on others for their own sense of self-worth.
We mere mortals, on the other hand, make a fundamental mistake. We think that all the giving will somehow come back to us. I call it my compulsion to earn brownie points. It's mythical thinking, the notion that we're creating a safety net for ourselves by giving gifts of love, time, effort and endeavour, to others. It took me so very long to understand that such giving is not some kind of stockpiling of goodwill.
Giving without counting the cost is a serious dodge. That's simply us trying to avoid the first task of every mature individual, namely the need to love ourselves. No, I'm not talking selfishness. I'm talking appropriate self-care. And that's not just a question of trips to the beautician. It's about dignity, the self-possession involved in retreating from abusive relationships, a quiet watchfulness, the gentle insistence on due regard, the refusal to accept bad behaviour from others.
The first principle is asking. All the truly good people I've met have been striking in their capacity to ask - for whatever they may need. They don't just give, and hope to receive. They are equally impressive in their capacity to take no for an answer. People can't always give us what we want. But at the same time they notice when refusals pile up, not as some silly head-count, or process of calculation, but from an innate sense of dignity and self-worth. Do you understand? They know when others are neglectful.
Your task for the New Year is to love yourself. Forget about fighting with others. Take on the fight with your chronic habit of giving as a substitute for self-care. A simple example: You took care of your kids. That's great. Now ask them the odd time to do something for you - like giving you the gift of their company on a shopping expedition, or a trip to the pictures. Don't denigrate your role as home-maker, mother and centre of the family's sense of safety. Build on it. Draw on it. Ask gracefully, be flexible, and persist. You're not looking for pay-back. You're establishing yourself as someone who needs things too.
Finally, this will be a learning curve for everyone. After all, you've taught them not to bother about you. Be patient. Quietly determined, and patient.
