16th November, 2008
Question
I separated several years ago, finally thought my life was back on track, and had even had a few nice dates. Then, out of the blue, a lovely friend of many years declared his true feelings for me. He was married, not joyfully, but married none the less. He moved out of the marital home and we started seeing each other. Two years on, we haven't moved forward as he finds himself stuck.
Basically he's struggling with guilt as he has three children, all at that vulnerable age from 9 to 15, and finds being apart from them more difficult than he had envisaged. He's can only see them in the family home, and rarely on his own. He has not legally separated from his wife and is basically going nowhere. He's had counselling.
He believes he still loves me and ultimately wants to be with me, but cannot reconcile being with me and away from his children. On several occasions we've agreed to part for stretches of time, weeks and sometimes a couple of months, but each time we are apart both of us are so sad and worried about the other. When we get back together it is such an enormous relief. I have no doubt about his love and know I love him too. Each time we part he sinks lower and spends more time with his children. His wife is very controlling and domineering and puts him down. Yet he's a wonderful dad.
I don't know what to do. I do help him try to sort himself out, but realise that he must take responsibility for his decisions. He says the easiest thing is to break up with me, but that pains him as much as the current state of being stuck, with our relationship unable to move forward. He knows what he should do, yet he says he cannot, and doesn't know why. He is a lovely, kind and gentle man and I am at a loss. We are both in our fifties and life is precious.
Answer
My friend Eoghan Harris taught me a very important lesson many years ago. He explained that there is such a thing as an unmanageable situation. This doesn't mean that the situation won't ever change. Nor does it mean that you will lose out in any such change that might occur. Your lover may well make the break and create conditions for a life together with you. The point is, you can't make that happen. You can't stage-manage the situation.
You can see that for yourself. You're already perilously close to the classic case of two strong women squaring up to each other while the meek man stands haplessly in the middle. Except, of course, he's not hapless. He's choosing to stay in his emotional comfort zone. Yes, pain and distress can be a comfort zone. It's all about what we're avoiding. Your lover doesn't want to be the baddie who makes tough decisions and then faces the consequences - in this case, I presume, some form of battle for his children's affection.
Accepting the notion of unmanageable situations doesn't make you helpless, which is what I used to think. It creates clarity. You still have choices. You can build a life for yourself, with your lover in or around it, doing what he feels he can in terms of the kids, remaining in that limbo of the married unmarried, much as he is now. Or you can put a time limit on it, not as a threat to him, unspoken even, but a deadline for yourself. Or you can leave him. What you can't do is fix his life.
