25th January, 2009
Question
I am married to a wonderful man for the past twelve years. We have three small children and life has been very good to us. Despite all this, there is one part of my life which is desperately vacant. It's our sex life.
We don't seem to be sexually compatible. Ever since we met, sex has been unfulfilling for me. He has his orgasm, and off he goes, while I'm left feeling very frustrated. I have discussed this with him many times, but nothing really changes. Temporarily, he makes more of an effort, and then returns to the usual routine - no foreplay, minimal kissing, one to two minutes of intercourse, and that's it. During sex I'm a willing giver, but receive very little in return.
What annoys me most is that in all other areas of his life, my husband is very attentive, caring and diligent. He is also giving, and thoughtful of others. He says he finds me attractive and I know there is no-one else. We now only have sex once every few weeks.
This whole thing almost led to the break-up of our marriage. But I realised that I could not give up everything we have because of a poor sex life. Only it wasn't just that. I felt so undesirable, unappreciated, unloved, someone who wasn't worth making the effort for. Afterwards, my husband bought a book about how to make love to a woman, but did nothing that the book recommends.
Our lives are very happy otherwise and I am prepared to continue with married life, even though things may never change. It's just that I need help.
Answer
I wonder why you think that your sexual satisfaction is down to your husband. No, I'm not criticising. But isn't it food for thought that you see him as the doer in all this? Said differently, you cast yourself in an entirely passive role. You see sexual satisfaction as something your husband gives you - or fails to give you - rather than something you take, or make happen. Even worse, when he fails to deliver, you feel unloved, unattractive, unappreciated.
In sex, you cast yourself as a total victim. You are helpless, and you're also to blame if it doesn't work out. He didn't make sure I had an orgasm because he finds me unattractive is your motto. The way you paint it, your husband has all the power and you have none. Of course you're also angry, all victims are, but it doesn't shift your passivity. You've thought of walking away. You don't think of taking charge sexually.
I'm not going to write the sex manual - there are millions of them out there. I am going to say that you are right. Some couples are sexually incompatible. It's to do with the roles they prefer. You want to be sexually passive - to be 'taken' as they say in some romantic novels. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that your husband isn't good at the taking routine. Because of course being taken really means being given the ecstasy you desire. That's what the romantic heroes deliver. Your husband doesn't.
The point is, you have a choice. That role isn't written in stone. You can drop the passivity. Put on the sexy underwear. Do the foreplay. Seduce him. Ask for what you want. Insist the waiting lasts long enough for you to be seriously aroused. And if he still comes too quickly for you, ask for the after-play. Orgasms, as you know, are not solely dependent on an erect penis. You see? The whole truth is that many men like to be passive too. Which means that the thought of having to deliver sexual success to their wives can be totally terrifying as well as contrary to their secret wish to be taken.
Your husband has tried to fix it and failed. It's your turn. And no, I'm not saying it's easy. I don't believe sexual passivity is the result of some superficial social conditioning. I think it runs deep in our psyche. So be patient. No, I don't mean wait. Just put up with a lot of fumbling, embarrassment, shyness, incompetence - on both your part. It's going to work you know. Swapping angry passivity for action always does.
