6th September, 2009
Question
My daughter, aged 28, has got herself into huge debt. I found this out three months ago. She now owes around 40,000 on credit cards, which she has no way of paying back. My husband and I are at our wits' end, with no idea what to do.
She came back home to live with us, rent free of course, to try and help her back on her feet. After two months of living at home, I found out that she had kept on spending. I've just found her credit card statement and she spent over 600 euros in the last few weeks. It's mostly clothes, and her wardrobes are bulging.
Anyway, tonight I told her to leave the house. I was so upset and cross with her because she does not seem to care what might happen to her. She does have a job, although I'm not sure for how long. I cut up her credit cards - again - although that's no use as she just rings up and says she has lost them and gets replacements. I'm particularly angry as her father and I had to work hard for what we have, and were never in debt in our whole lives. We sent her to a good school, and then college, and I thought I had brought her up well. But she has no respect for me or her father. None of the other children ever gave us this kind of trouble.
As parents we don't know what to do with her or where to go for help. She did go to MABS, the money advice service, but it got her nowhere. I have warned her that she could end up in prison, but she says they won't touch her. I've got to the stage where I just don't want to see her again.
Answer
I'm sure you do want your daughter to just disappear right now. But we never feel good when we throw a child out in anger. It just doesn't work, emotionally. We invariably feel guilty. But I'm guessing that despite your threat, she never left. Or she's already back. Or she's around and easily accessible. Because a steady, responsible, transparent and implacably firm approach is the only path to take.
It's not that she can't manage money in any conventional sense - like over-reaching her budget three days before pay-day. Nor is she simply acting like some spoiled brat, banking on parents bailing her out. This isn't lack of respect for you, or lack of love. Your daughter is out of control. She's acting addictively, or compulsively if you will. Driven by emotional demons, she has lost sight of reality. It isn't really about money at all. She's in emotional trouble.
Focussing on the money is missing the point - understandable, of course, because those kinds of debts are terrifying - but still missing the point. Your daughter doesn't need money advice. She's needs psychological help. And when I say she's gone out of control I don't mean she can't help herself, can't stop the spending. She can. But given what's going on, she needs therapeutic help to do that. I know she's grown-up and you can't force her, but you do need to do everything in your power to get her some help. Talk to your doctor, find a friendly psychologist, ring Gamblers Anonymous, whatever might help move her to back towards the real world.
Can I hasten to add that you should not take responsibility for your daughter's debts. Do not, for example, do anything foolish like re-mortgaging your house. I'm not talking about mopping up the mess. I'm talking about attempting to get help for her - much as you would if you thought she had some serious illness. Certainly you can house and feed her. You might even have to alert friends and other family members to make sure they don't lend her money. And depending on how interventionist you feel you should be, you could consider contacting the credit card companies in an attempt to stop her committing financial suicide. But all of that is a bit like emptying the booze bottles down the sink. It doesn't solve the inherent problem. Your daughter doesn't need money right now. She needs loving enlightenment. She's in serious psychological pain. Tell her that. And offer your help.
