13th September, 2009
Question
I'm a middle-aged married woman with teenage children. Some years ago I fell in love with a younger, single, man. Nothing happened between us, but it made me face up to the fact that I do not love my husband and never really did.
I don't particularly like my husband. He can be aggressive and unreasonable at times, he is always right and he is a blamer - mostly blaming me. I put up with it because he does have good points. He is generous, but then he sees our income, house, etc. as being all his because he is the primary earner. And he is entertaining at times. Overall, I am indifferent to him and I am staying with him for the children's sake, and for convenience. I know he feels more or less the same about me. He has told me so, and said he regretted marrying me, but he is also reluctant to leave.
The problem is that I still love this other man. He is the only man I have ever loved or ever will love. And I feel certain that he loves me too. But I am aware that the reason we feel this way is because our love was thwarted. If we had had an affair it would be over now and we would both be sorry. It could not have worked for many reasons, particularly the age difference and my fear of losing him.
The pointlessness of it all is getting me down. I know that even the deepest love does not last, and I know that it is completely unreasonable of me to keep on loving this other man. I know that even in the unlikeliest scenario of us getting together on a permanent basis, we would, at best, end up in a relationship not much better than the one I'm already in. Most likely it would end up worse because of the heartbreak of disbanding a family. Despite knowing this, I can't or won't stop loving him. Reason does not prevail. I feel that I am in limbo.
Answer
Your fantasy is getting somewhat out of hand. The delicate balance between living your life and wishing for a better one has been disturbed. Dreaming, which everyone does, has taken the upper hand. In short, you're putting too much energy into the fantasy and too little energy into your marriage.
You sound somewhat cynical, because you're feeling flat. You are also somewhat overstating the case, again because you're feeling flat. In reality you are wise. Romantic love comes easily at first. After that, it has to be worked at. Loving someone is a daily exercise in restraint, reflection, kindness, gratitude and humility. Above all, it's a constant act of faith, or hope, the belief that we can make life better, make a relationship better, if we try.
You're not staying married just because you're too lazy to leave. Nor is your husband, for that matter. That's just careless conversation, a bad habit of negativity which the two of you have allowed to develop. You're staying because of the rich tapestry which is your married life. And no, I'm not knocking the dream. Faith, hope, dreams - it's all about creatively fashioning our lives. And it's not about finding a false reality. It's about choosing which aspects of reality you dwell on. Your heart is hard at the moment when it comes to your husband. Soften it. Sure, it's easy to list his shortcomings. It would be easy to list yours too. Practice listing his good points instead. Look behind the façade which is his personality and take a glimpse at his disappointments, unfulfilled ambitions, his dreams if you like. And see what you might be able to do about them.
Do you understand? We don't get desperate because we're not loved. We become desperate because we've lost the ability, or the will, or the opportunity to love someone else. This other man is the focus of your dreams precisely because your husband no longer is. That is ultimately your choice. Yes, it's much harder work to love the man beside us. You know that, which is why you have no illusions about how it might pan out with that other man. But who says hard work is not the better option?
