23rd November, 2008
Question
Over the past couple of years my life has descended into a nightmare. There seems to be no way out. After a long time of being a single girl, I met the man I thought was my Prince Charming. I was mad about this guy and he seemed crazy about me too.
Very early on, however, he started to cool off and I saw him only infrequently. Around this time I found I was pregnant and we were both over the moon. We got engaged and this was the most intensely exciting period of my entire life. All my dreams were coming true. And then my worst nightmare happened. I miscarried. The engagement, and indeed the relationship, was called off. We continued to see each other on a casual basis, as this is all that was on offer from him. I finally found the strength to end things, just over a year ago.
I'm 35 and so sad and bitterly disappointed. I dread to think where I would be if it were not for the antidepressants which allow me to function. It kills me that if it were not for sheer bad luck, I would be ensconced with my dream man and a few toddlers. I believe an awful lot of marriages wouldn't have taken place if a pregnancy hadn't first occurred. At this point I feel there is something or someone out to get me.
I am considered very attractive, funny, a good friend. I have a job I love, my own house, and hobbies I enjoy. However, I have always had the most dreadful luck with men, through no fault of my own. Several of them said to me later that they were nasty and I was so nice. It seems that is the story of my life. So I have given up any hope of a committed romantic relationship and the one burning need in my life now is to have a baby, even if that is without a man. My miscarriage has greatly intensified this need. It is really all I can think about now.
I am considering donor insemination, but deep down I don't know if I could love a baby as much when I didn't know who the father was. I would dearly love a proper family, but feel like I have tried forever and the longer I go without a baby the sadder I become. Time can't heal this one.
Answer
No, time of itself won't heal your distress. Neither will a patch-up job. And donor insemination for a single girl is a patch-up job, for the vast majority anyway. It's good to see your emotional honesty. You want a proper family, a man who will love you and be a father to your babies. You want the package. You're right. Being a single mother without even a father in sight is not the answer for you.
I'm not about to knock the deep need for motherhood. On the contrary, I believe it's biological, comes with all the force of nature, and is hence far more than merely psychological. I don't doubt the urgency of your desire.
I do also know that we human beings have an infinite capacity for emotional side-tracking. You are an unhappy woman who longs to be loved. That longing, I believe, is all being loaded onto your desire for motherhood. Your sadness about yourself, your sense of being unfulfilled, is all getting shunted into the question of conception. That, if you like, is banishing you onto a false battleground. Your task is not to get comfortable with the notion of a donor pregnancy. Your task is to iron out your difficulties with men and emotional relationships.
Your problem is not lack of babies. It's what you call your bad luck with men. This, of course is not about luck. And no, I'm not in the blame game. If the men were nasty and you were nice, then you didn't defend yourself. You failed to insist on being treated properly. Instead, it seems, you flee into self-delusion. Look at what you tell me of your so-called Prince Charming. He had already distanced himself, was presumably still sleeping with you but no longer speaking of love, got hauled back in only when you became pregnant, and then ran once you miscarried.
The pain of being you is so severe that you have to dodge it in order to survive. It doesn't have to be that way. You are an intelligent, attractive and creative woman. You're also very brave. Put those qualities to work. Get proper professional help to dig out that deep feeling of unworthiness which clearly dogs your footsteps. And do it now.
