30th November, 2008
Question
I'm attempting to end a three-year affair with a married man. He is a wonderful gentle man. However, he has no nerve when it comes to her. She accidentally met me some time ago and physically assaulted me. He thinks he defended me. But he only stepped in between us to stop her assaulting me again. She then became all coy with him. My lover, for his part, was very nonchalant and macho, took control, and walked me out. He then remained with his wife and allowed her to act possessively, putting on airs.
He now blames his lack of divorce on my actions that day. He had asked me not to make an appearance. He had also warned me that she would be there. I asked him to tell her to stay away. He didn't stand up to her. She already knew a little about us, but did not know the extent of the relationship.
I was successful in breaking off all contact for several months after this incident but then saw my lover again. He told me he had tried again with his wife, hoping it would be better, but said that it hadn't worked and that there was now nothing left in his marriage. Yet he chooses to stay. He is too afraid to take the first step and ask for a divorce. She is evil and vindictive and I am afraid of her too. That is reason enough to stay away from him.
For the past six months we haven't really had a physical relationship, except for a couple of slip-ups, one of which happened only last week. Of course that set me hoping again that he would feel empowered to make a move towards divorce. But no, he's too confused and wishy-washy.
I feel so alone. My life is complicated right now and I felt an immense amount of comfort and love in this relationship, despite my lover's married status. I miss that. I know I may have used this affair for convenience, but I really do love him and thought we would be married by now.
I know better than to have an affair. How do I let go of the dream we shared? I am attractive, intelligent, educated and have a busy and fulfilling career. Yet my self-esteem is steadily slipping. How do I ditch hope?
Answer
What's with this notion of gentleness that seems to be creeping into our conversations, and worse, into our consciousness? Your lover doesn't sound gentle to me. He sounds gutless. Being gentle isn't about dodging. It isn't about creating havoc and then staying quiet. It isn't about having a mistress, failing to tell the wife, and then escorting one of them from the room when they end up in a dog-fight. To be truly gentle, you need the steeliness of a clear mind and a strong character. Gentle people aren't wishy washy, which is your description of him, not mine. They are kind in their clarity and firmness of conviction.
Your lover's wife didn't meet you accidentally either. You turned up at some event where you knew she would be. Your lover had warned you. In other words, you broke the rules. Mistresses are supposed to stay hidden. At least, that is, until the man decides whether he's leaving his wife or not. That's the whole indignity of the role. You don't get to determine what's happening. You wait in the wings.
What a manipulator this man is. You create a scene. He then has the perfect excuse for backing out. He blames you. If only you hadn't made your presence felt, he would have told his wife and walked off with you into the sunset. And this is a man you describe as ‘gentle'? Don't you see? You didn't share a dream. He wanted a mistress. You wanted a man to marry. There was no meeting of minds. In this relationship you were always on your own.
This isn't about ditching hope. It's about waking up to the truth. He wasn't ever there. You didn't share the same reality. Go looking for someone who is in a position to treat your properly. And then make sure he does. In short, learn to value yourself. Allowing this man into your life only highlights the fact that you were short on self-esteem before the affair ever started. Do something about that.
