11th January, 2009
Question
I recently lost my job, am having a tough time getting a new one despite being highly qualified, and feel I wasted all those years of study as I'm back applying for entry level positions. It's really getting to me, especially on days when I get 3 or 4 rejection letters. It makes me want to go back to bed and hide from the world. I feel angry at myself as much as at those faceless human resources managers.
Sitting around all day, I just apply for jobs while feeling that I have little chance of getting an interview because I know I look awful, am slowly gaining weight and losing my edge watching TV. All I can think is that if I was back at work all would be well. I can't remember when my confidence was so low. Most days I hardly leave the house.
Meeting the family at Christmas was awful. I was really embarrassed about my situation and couldn't bear trying to respond to questions about what I'm doing. It's just my pride. But unfortunately my relations can be somewhat judgmental. I just didn't know how to deal with them. It was a nightmare.
There's also the problem of my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him because he was never there for me and I couldn't trust him. He isn't a bad guy, but I don't believe he's interested in me in a serious way. He never spared much thought for my feelings. He's now made contact again and I'm seriously considering going back to him. I know this is ridiculous, but I just feel so miserable and worthless that I find it hard to resist the idea of someone being nice to me, and paying me compliments, even if it's just so they'll get what they want. I suppose I think that at least he's a fun person to be around. If nothing else, he might serve as a distraction. But then am I just using him?
I'm confused. Actually I'm a total disaster. Help.
Answer
I know your mind is full of unemployment, but I'm wondering what's so wrong with the boyfriend? Why is it ridiculous to consider seeing him? He's nice to you, pays you compliments, wants your company, is a fun person - what on earth can be so bad about that? So he's not into planning a forever, doesn't want too much of the sad stuff, but so what? And what's this business of using him? Wouldn't you just be enjoying him?
You've lost your job, you're getting rejection slips, you're short of cash. I appreciate all that. You're also letting it get to you. Why aren't you out exercising, helping other people, enjoying your friends' company, having fun with a nice guy? Why the TV, over-eating and dark thoughts? We criticise men about defining themselves in terms of their work status - talk of them being one-dimensional. Aren't you doing the same? Isn't that a very bad idea? And you're going further. At least unemployed men cut the grass, walk the dogs, and do other men-like things. But you're saying you can't discipline your day unless you have a work routine.
You could tell your relatives to get real. Unemployment is back as a fact of life in Ireland. It's nothing personal. It's certainly not your fault. Although that said, a word of caution. I don't know your area of expertise. But if it's a section of the economy that is currently in tatters, then think about jobs in some other field.
Ask the boyfriend to take you out, get your trainers and go walking, make yourself useful in the house, glam up in the mornings as if you were going to work, and think outside the box in terms of employment. You are all the things you always were when you were working - except employed. No need, then, for shattered self-confidence.
