12th October, 2008
Question
I'm 22 and have been going out with my boyfriend for the past three years. He is wonderful. He's loving, thoughtful and extremely good fun. I feel more relaxed and content with him than with anyone else in the world.
Until recently I felt he was the one for me. During the summer, however, my feelings have changed. For the first time in our relationship I've begun to have doubts, not about my boyfriend as a person, since I still think he's perfect for me, but about whether or not I'm ready for 'the one' at this point in my life.
I feel I've never stood on my own two feet. I was very sheltered by my parents growing up. I spent the first 19 years of my life being influenced by my parents and the past three being influenced by my boyfriend. It feels as though all my beliefs have been instilled in me by other people. I sometimes wonder what part, if any, of my attitudes belong to me? I long for independence, want to rely totally on myself, and need to answer only to myself. To do this, I think I need to be single.
I don't want to lose my best friend, which is what my boyfriend is. He's been there for me through some really tough times. I feel that breaking up with him at this point would be ungrateful and cruel. I am also afraid that when I do want to settle down, I will regret ever leaving him. I suppose what I'm saying is that I've found Mr Right too soon.
Is personal growth, adventure and a true sense of self something I should sacrifice for the love of my life? Is it worth risking my future happiness for? Or is it something I can have while still in this relationship?
Answer
Fear stalks us at all times, at some subliminal level at least. It's a necessary correction mechanism, part of your survival antennae like hunger and thirst and a decent dose of guilt - a reality check if you like. You should pay it due heed. But never let fear hustle you. Put plainly, you can't stay with Mr Right just because you might want him in ten years time.
Guilt about how good he's been to you is no basis for deciding either. Certainly you should treat him with decency and respect. Certain you should remain his friend, if he'll let you. But no, you don't owe him eternal togetherness. You owe him a debt of gratitude. That's different.
It can seem easier to simply walk away when we want to change. That's because nobody ever wants to just change themselves. You're not aiming solely at testing your true beliefs. You want to change the dynamic of your relationship with your boyfriend. Which is only inches away from wanting to change him. Maybe that will involve you calling the shots more, or even just challenging his ideas, or taking more care of him while he minds you a little less. It doesn't matter. Whatever, it involves changing how you two interact. The good news is that all we have to do, and all we can truly do, is change ourselves. A change in the dynamic automatically follows. And then it's up to your boyfriend whether or not he wants to go along with it.
My real feeling from what you say is that you've got itchy feet. You actually want to get away for a while. Why not start negotiating that? You don't need to have all the answers. Nor do you need to pre-empt the outcome. Independence is about saying what we want. Try it. Start talking to your boyfriend.
