20th July, 2008
Question
I'm a 30 year old professional, engaged to be married to a wonderful and supportive man, and the wedding is coming up in less than six months' time. I should be over the moon, but instead I'm dreading it, thanks to serious difficulties with my mother.
I was raised by my grandparents. My mother was very young when I was born and couldn't cope, left me behind with her parents and went away, and later married my stepfather and had several more children. After a few years, she moved back into the area and used to take me over to her place once a week, sometimes more. This stopped when I got to my early teens. I loved my grandparents and I was happy, I guess.
My mother and stepfather didn't fare very well in life, partially because they drank a lot, and ended up with very little money, in very poor housing, and basically neglecting their parenting obligations - really a train-wreck of a situation. My siblings either dropped out of school entirely, or finished early, and all of them are now struggling. With all this going on there was very little time for me.
My grandparents had very little money and my grandfather was ill - and has since died. But I was very good at school and did weekend jobs and put myself through college. My mother contributed nothing, yet there was always money for drink. This made me very angry.
I did try to have a relationship with my mother in my early '20's. It was OK at times, but she used me to off-load her problems and had no interest in my life. I listened, gave advice, but she didn't change, just argued with everyone including me, and drank herself stupid most days. Some of my siblings resented my life and would put me down and claim I had ideas above my station. No-one wished me luck before exams, or job interviews, but I was expected to visit them, mind their children, and say nothing about my life. Finally I confronted my mother, even cried and said the way I felt, but she blamed everything on me. I had to cut all ties.
Now I've just heard that she's telling everyone she wants to go to my wedding, which we're celebrating abroad. I was livid. The woman has destroyed herself with drink, can't conduct herself in public, and worst of all, never took much interest in me. Yet she expects to be seated at the top table! Under the usual pressure from my family, I gave in and went to talk to her. Nothing had changed. She just criticised me and talked of herself. Yet again we're not on speaking terms.
I am sick of all this, and stressed out. I can't even look forward to my wedding. I am ashamed of her, yes, but mostly I don't think she deserves the title 'mother of the bride'. If anyone does, it's my gran. Yet my family think I am being unreasonable. Am I doing the right thing, trying to focus on my own life and ignoring my mother's?
Answer
I do wonder what part of your family think you're being unreasonable. Is it the semi-detached contingent, most of whom resent you anyway? Or is it your grandmother, who probably still loves her daughter, even if she does drink, and did basically desert you. But that's just an aside really.
There is no moral right and wrong here. And although yours is, perhaps, an extreme case, the basic question is a common one. Whose wedding is it anyway?
Said differently, what is a wedding all about? Is it a special day out with friends, a public proclamation of your marital vows in front of those you feel close and comfortable with? Or is it an exercise in family solidarity, like christenings, birthdays, funerals, where despite all their differences, the very disparate members of a family re-state the tight bonds which bind them, despite all the difficulties? Your choice.
You have to ask a further question. Have you really given up the ghost on the relationship with your mother? Yes, she's selfish, she shirked her parental responsibilities, and she's not necessarily famous for her social behaviour. But that could be said of a lot of mothers, and they still make the top table. Or is it that you are still emotionally attached, and simply want to punish her for her lack of love? Would she really ruin your wedding? Or is this about revenge? Trust me, I do believe in giving up the ghost. I've learned, with great difficulty, that there is such a thing as an unmanageable situation. And trying to win the love of an indifferent parent is a classic example.
The truth is you don't belong in your mother's world. You've been hanging in there by your fingernails ever since you started trying. Refusing to invite her to your wedding may be the time and place to acknowledge that reality, and end your painful efforts to turn this woman into something she's not, namely a close and loving mother. But only you can make that decision. Because this isn't about your wedding day. This is about your troubled heart.
