15th March, 2009
Question
Two years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair. That was not the worst of it. It turns out that he had become obsessed with escort sites and eventually prostitutes themselves. The woman he had the affair with was one of those prostitutes. He became a special client, not specifically paying her, but leaving little gifts on the mantelpiece, coffee table, or kitchen work-surface and, of course, trips to nice hotels, spa treatments, expensive restaurants.
I found this all out by accident. I had never checked my husband's phone or emails as I had complete trust in him. I was just doing the accounts and found a particular number kept coming up. We have been together since our early '20's. I am now 41 and my husband is two years older. We have had our ups and downs, but more good times than bad ones. We get on really well together. I was completely shocked.
To cut a long story short, after two longs years I was just beginning to trust him again. In other words, I was no longer constantly checking on him. I put his behaviour at the time down to a midlife crisis, as he'd just turned 40 when it all happened. He had also lost his mother and a much-loved sister within the same year. Shortly before Christmas, however, I noticed a change in his personality and had a very bad feeling. I asked him was he seeing this woman again, as he had promised to tell me if she contacted him again. He denied it and claimed I was just hormonal.
I started checking again. He had opened a new email account and had another mobile phone and yes, he did see her one night early in December. He claims she contacted him and he met her to say he was not interested, but he spent a couple of hours with her. He argues he did this because he felt guilty.
My husband wants me to trust him again. He says it was all entirely innocent. Only I have an ache in the pit of my stomach, which tells me I'm being fed a lot of lies. I don't know what to do. He has cancelled the phone and email accounts, but it's so easy to get new ones. And I'm too tired and depressed now to keep checking on him all the time.
How does someone begin to gain the trust again? I would like to contact this woman, but my husband says she could be nasty and not to get involved. Please help.
Answer
Trust is regularly bandied about as a catch-all concept when someone is caught with their pants down. He asks you to trust him. You ask yourself how. You're both missing the point. This situation isn't about trust. It's about intelligence.
Who would respond to a prostitute's approach, two years on, just to say no thanks? What planet does your husband think you live on? And how dare he diminish your intelligence by damning you as hormonal when you ask appropriate questions. That's just plain bullying. Unfortunately, it sounds like it's working too. You're tired and depressed, which means you've allowed yourself to sink into despair. Put bluntly, you've temporarily switched your brain off. And that's the first step towards victim status.
Switch on again. Your husband doesn't want you to stay away from this woman because she might be trouble. He's scared you'll hear the truth. Certainly, men can and do become 'special' clients for certain prostitutes. The movie Pretty Woman even made it seem romantic. Men also have affaires. And distasteful as it may sound, it sometimes suits to paint the woman scarlet. Visiting a prostitute may seem more palatable, or less threatening, if and when the wife finds out. No, such suspicions don't reflect well on your husband. But he's not exactly a knight in shining armour at the moment is he?
I'm not trying to paint your husband black. He's done a fair job at that himself. Or if you wanted to put it more kindly, and perhaps more accurately, he's being extremely silly. Whichever, your marriage, not to mention your emotional well-being, is best served by being spirited, intelligent and engaged in the real world. No, I'm not suggesting you confront this woman. It's your husband who has to clear things up, not her.
You're faced with a challenge. Drop this trust nonsense and deal with it.
