4th May, 2008
Question
I'm a 33 year old man and I'm a virgin. I've had several short-lived relationships which rarely got to any sort of intimate stage. I've slept with girls but never had intercourse. I don't masturbate either. I never have. I'm not able to arouse myself.
I still have wet dreams/nocturnal emissions. I always associated this with puberty and wonder if it's normal to still have them. I usually awaken at climax and almost subconsciously try to suppress the feelings.
I haven't had any sort of relationship for the past couple of years because I'm frightened I'll be a failure in the bedroom stakes! The older I get, the worse I feel about this. I'm not interested in one night stands either. I have too much respect for myself and others.
I'm a pretty normal bloke with a reasonably good social life and I had an ordinary upbringing. So I don't know what could be causing all this. I would really love to have a relationship and feel I'm being left on the bench.
Answer
You can see yourself that virginity is not the issue here. Your problem isn't the absence of a meaningful relationship. That loneliness is simply a result of the real issue.
You don't allow yourself sexual expression. Coming out of a deep sleep, you're fighting nature. That's a pretty comprehensive sexual taboo you have going there. You've locked your sexuality away.
It doesn't help to battle about whether your upbringing was normal or not, or ordinary as you put it. It's crystal clear that sometime early on you decided, for good psychological reasons, that your sexuality had to be totally repressed. Something seriously scared you, scorched you in fact.
Of course you didn't sit down and plan it. Nor was it necessarily a once-off incident. Fear can be compacted in our souls by a series of unrelated events. Trauma is often the result of an unfortunate combination of circumstances. I don't know what those circumstances were. I do know that your sexual shut-down is surprisingly complete. And since all such psychological manoeuvres are a response to fear, you must have been very fearful indeed.
I suggest you seek professional help. I imagine you need a strong and steady figure by your side as you go through the process of unravelling your emotional past. My intention is not to scare you. I just think we should have due regard, and real respect, for the enormous creativity of the unconscious mind. It strives always to keep us safe and functioning by holding terror at bay. Which is why we should unravel it with care.
All this all happened when you were young and emotionally vulnerable. As an adult, you would handle it differently. That's what therapy offers you, namely the chance to go back and look at past trauma, with the strength of your adult persona, and the calm presence of a professional witness. And I'm using the word witness deliberately here. Therapists don't have the answers. The answers are all inside you. Go find them.
