30th August, 2009
Question
I feel so low at the moment, almost suicidal, but what is stopping me is concern about what would happen to my beautiful kids. I have a nice house and a new baby and to our friends and family we have it all.
My life totally revolves around my kids and I have no support from anybody and never have any 'me' time. My husband is making my life hell. Everything is my fault. If one of the kids falls, it's because I wasn't minding them. If one of them fails to eat dinner, it is because I have given them too many sweets. We are totally financially dependent on him, but I just cannot put up with my husband's constant verbal abuse - and occasional physical abuse like a punch in the arm or a slap across my face.
Things are so bad now that I do not talk to my own kids when he is around as I don't want him giving out to me or making snide comments in front of them. He is a great dad and loves his kids dearly. He has always said that nobody will take his kids away from him. If they try, he says, there will be hell to pay. So I am scared.
To make matters worse, I have just started shop-lifting, little things to get by. I don't know why I did it, but of course I got caught and now face a prosecution and criminal record for a small item that I could have well afforded. This would be the nail in my coffin if my husband finds out. I have found some comfort from speaking to a counsellor.
At the moment I am weaning my new baby from breast to bottle so at least if mum is not around, she will be OK. This has been very difficult to write.
Answer
Your husband is unquestionably being abusive. This is totally unacceptable. This situation must change. I am not for one moment attempting to gloss over this reality.
I do believe, however, that you are in a different kind of trouble. I can't, at this distance, even begin to make a professional clinical diagnosis. I would, however, strongly recommend you see your doctor, because anybody looking in would feel that you are seriously depressed. Suicidal thoughts and petty shop-lifting in a young mother are signs of someone who is deeply troubled.
Please understand. I am not, for one moment, blaming you in any way. Nor am I, for one moment, attempting to play down your husband's nastiness. I'm just saying that your lack of fighting spirit is not down to his nastiness alone. Maybe it's serious post-baby blues. Maybe it's a combination of things. Certainly your husband is adding to your distress. But whatever the cause of your depression, talking to a counsellor, however helpful, is not enough for you right now. You need medical help.
You also need a proper defence for your shop-lifting. This wasn't the act of a petty thief. This was an act of emotional desperation. You need a doctor to make that clear, and legal support to put your case. You don't deserve punishment. You deserve help. Get it. To-morrow. This will pass, you know. It's just that you are vulnerable right now, and need a helping hand. You are a good person, a great mother, a valuable human being. Don't lose sight of that.
