6th September, 2009
Question
I'm in my early '30's and met a man just over a year ago who was still living with his wife. However, he was very unhappy and threatening to leave, which he did earlier this year.
When we first met I was very reluctant to keep seeing him. I did, however, and it was a bit on and off at first. But when I realised he was in fact leaving his wife - although not as early as originally planned - I was happy that I would see him more often and we might have a chance of a normal relationship.
We've been seeing each other now for 15 months. We get on very well. I am very happy when I am with him. He has met my family and friends. We have been away together. We are somewhat geographically separated but spend every weekend together, and sometimes a night during the week if there's something special on.
The problem is, I feel it's time he told his family, with whom he's very close, that he's seeing someone else. Apart from anything else, that will ensure they back off. His family still has a good relationship with his ex-partner, they stay in touch, and I am under the impression that they feel he and his ex are merely on a break.
I don't doubt his separation. But I have tried before to get him to acknowledge me. I have made it clear that I don't want to meet his family yet, but I would like him to face the consequences of his situation and not keep worrying about what other people might think, or say. He has refused point blank to do as I ask. In turn I have explained that if he cannot give me what I want, then I cannot be with him. At the moment we're not seeing each other, at my request.
I feel used, hidden, insulted in some way. Yet every day he compliments me, talks of what I've done for him, how good I make him feel etc. I would see myself as low-maintenance, I have never asked him for anything. When I do, on this issue, I get nothing. I like him a lot, it hurts so much not to be with him, but I feel I have to take a break and try not to let myself get hurt anymore.
Answer
You may well be low-maintenance, but you are determined to be in the driving seat - with potentially disasterous consequences for your future happiness.
Think about it. You met a married man and started a relationship. Yes, I hear you when you say he was unhappy - and I don't doubt it. That's not the point. The timing of his leaving was not dictated solely by him - or by himself and his wife, which should have been the case. It was at least partially a pact between you and him. And it didn't go exactly to plan. He took longer than you thought. Even if he did set the date, you were clearly there putting the pressure on, if only with your expectations.
Now you're continuing your attempt to set the pace by asking that he tell his family about you. Luckily for you he's resisting. He's handling it as he sees fit. That's not an insult to you. It means he sees the ending of his marriage as his responsibility, his fault if you like. That should make you happy, even if it's not quite running on your preferred time schedule. Think of how it would be if he thought his marital break-up was your fault! So he's treading carefully. Yes, maybe he is dodging a bit. But why not? It was his marriage. It's his separation. Let him be the judge of how it plays itself out. He's going to feel bad about it anyway. Why would you want him to feel he'd handled it badly, because you were in a hurry? How can that possibly benefit you?
Yes, it is hard to wait in the wings while someone disentangles themselves from their past. Dignity, however, is not attained by trying to push the pace. To feel good about yourself, you have to quietly measure your own input. If you feel bad that he hangs out with your family, but his family doesn't know you, then don't hang out with your family. Do you understand? Doing things with a constant eye on the quid pro quo doesn't work. It's much better to step back a little, give a little less, wait it out, in other words.
That doesn't mean disappearing into the wallpaper. Why don't you ask him for things - things he can give you? And why not make him feel good about all he does give you, happiness, fun, companionship? Why all the emphasis on what you've done for him? You don't want to set up a dynamic where he owes you for making him feel good. You want a relationship based on the two of you making each other happy.
And yes, it's possible he won't come through, won't make the final break with his wife, or at least will not choose you. But that danger is always there isn't it? Knowing his family hasn't helped his wife has it? No, I'm not being nasty. I'm just trying to show you how futile it is to try and find security by attempting to force his hand.
