19th October 2008
Question
My sister has just had her first baby. Obviously the whole family is delighted, including me. But I also have a problem because I believe she's going to ask me to be god-mother.
I live in a different part of the country to my tightly-knit family and over the past couple of years have quite happily become atheist. It took a long struggle and much angst, but I'm happy with my decision. I also consider it entirely private. I've lost a great deal of the guilt and superstition I used to carry around, but I have no wish to 'convert' anyone.
It will open a huge can of worms if I refuse to be god-mother. My sister and mother and father are quite religious - in fact even my brothers are, as are my sisters-in-law. I really don't want to get into defending my position to them, although I'm perfectly happy to discuss it with others. My mother in particular would worry endlessly about my 'soul' and would be genuinely upset.
If I go along with the ceremony, I'll surely feel hypocritical. I am certainly not in any position to make promises to look after the child's spiritual well-being. On the other hand, I don't know any godparents who actually do that, so does it really matter? Turning up on the day is no problem since I love my sister. I just don't want any formal role. I'm stuck.
Answer
Why can't you look after your niece's spiritual well-being? Do atheists automatically think human beings have no spiritual dimension? Does the term 'spiritual' exclusively refer to a God-given soul? Sorry, this is outside my remit as a psychologist. I'm just interested, and wondering if you're being excessively purist - an obvious hazard for a recent convert.
More mundanely, why can't a non-believer ensure, for example, that a child receive the sacraments of the Catholic Church, if that be the task you take on? Many Protestant mothers made sure their children were reared as Catholics in the days of mixed marriages. You're not into converting others. You respect individual differences. Isn't it, then, just about the morality of doing your duty? And in the real world, yes, being a godmother would not involve the child's religious welfare in any detailed sense. It's about a pledge to look out for her, to be there when she needs you, a statement that you have her interests at heart.
I don't know if it is wrong, in theological terms, for you to take on the task of godmother when you're not a committed Catholic. I do know that you can't simply refuse your sister's invitation, if and when it comes, without an explanation. You can't leave her baffled and hurt. You love her. So if you feel you have to say no, then courage is required. You don't want to face family displeasure. That's the real problem. But it may well be the only way to go.
You do realise, don't you, that if your mother is upset, that is her responsibility. In fact if anyone is upset about your decision to believe in the Big Bang theory, then that's their problem. I am not advocating belligerence. And I don't think you should be bolshie about this. I'm just trying to avoid false battles here. Your struggle is with yourself. You don't want to leave your comfort zone. Nobody does. But if you say no to being godmother, that comfort zone has to go.
