8th June, 2008
Question
I'm now married seven years and we have four children, one from my wife's previous marriage and three from ours. When our last child was born, my wife quit her job as child-care was too expensive. And it was then that things started to go bad.
I work 50 hours a week and am exhausted when I get home. But I still manage to make dinner for everyone and later put the kids to bed. My wife feels that once I come through the door, this is her down-time. So I cook, change diapers and deal with sibling squabbles while my wife phones her friends or tackles some other personal task. It is incredibly exhausting, and weekends are not much different.
I have one night out a week with friends, playing cards. My wife had a night out on her own too, until recently. The arrangement with her friends broke down, and now she wants me to stop my weekly card game. She also doesn't like my friends - or their wives. It's been so bad that at times I thought she was going to leave if I went out.
I do believe she's trying to control everything I do. She has never got along with my family and positively hates some of them. I haven't talked to any of them for over six months because they are afraid to call me and get my wife on the phone. And I don't really want to call them when she's around because she'll then be in a bad mood for the rest of the day, if not the whole week. In fact I truly feel she's trying to remove my family and friends from my life. I can't even mention one of them in a conversation without her getting enraged.
What can I do? How can I get my wife to understand, or even listen to, my feelings, and perhaps see my side?
Answer
Why would your wife - see your side I mean? No, I'm not being nasty. I'm asking the question because you're living your life on a false premise. You think you can get what you want without making a stand. Worse, you think it's your wife's duty to make sure things go your way. Wrong.
It's easy to say your wife is selfish. She is. It's also easy to say that she wants to control you. She does. And yes, I'd say you're right, she wants to alienate you from family and friends. That makes sense, since she's trying to have you do it all her way. None of that actually matters though. Even thinking about it is decidedly beside the point.
You have to stand up for yourself. Your wife is bullying you. That's only possible because you're afraid. And what are you afraid of? Confrontation for starters. And deep down, abandonment, of course. Look at what you tell me. At one point you thought your wife was going to actually leave because you stuck to your guns and went off for your game of cards. In reality, you're afraid she'll stop loving you. You hate emotional distance. You want her to be close.
That's what you have to face down, the loneliness of someone being angry with you. Otherwise even the nicest person in the world will walk all over you. And the screws will be turned tighter and tighter. You're already working a 50-hr week, doing evening and weekend duty with house, kids, cooking. You hardly talk to your family. And now your wife wants to end your card game. Don't you see? The more we bend, the harder we're pushed. It's human nature.
You have to learn to quietly withstand your wife's angry withdrawal. You have to teach her to respect you by saying no to her excessive demands. In short, you have to do the right thing.
Make it clear to her that you expect politeness on her part towards your family, that you love them and want them treated well. Go and visit them with the kids. Keep up your night with the lads. You know the score, I don't need to write your lines. And remember, your battle is with yourself, your fears, and not with your wife.
