22nd February, 2009
Question
I'm a married woman in my early fifties with four grown up children. I do not love my husband and never did. I know it is the same for him. However, we get on. We have a lovely home. I love where I live.
I am in love with another man and he loves me. But I am reluctant to leave my husband. I am afraid. I am afraid that my love for the other man, or his love for me, will fade and die. If this happens I will be devastated.
Should I choose security and companionship over insecurity and love?
Answer
What an honest question. Somewhat unpalatable, perhaps, as it puts love in perspective, but entirely truthful. You could handle the devastation of a lost love from the comfort of your home - and marriage. You're not sure you would want to, without the props. Romantic love, in other words, has its limits.
Our age is not happy facing that fact. Modern society has put sex centre-stage. We understand that as a reaction to a repressive past. But maybe now it's time to think again, and get a better balance.
You short-change yourself, and your husband, by saying you never loved each other. Sexual, or romantic love, may have been missing. But that, as you actually know, is not the whole story. If it were, you'd be gone long ago. Love is also the daily habit of dignified living. Rearing children in relative harmony, creating a civilised home you are loath to leave, building a safe and secure social and emotional and financial environment - all that is an act of love. Love isn't just about sexual longing - although that can be powerful, sometimes all-consuming. Nor is it just about the emotional intimacy of a soul partner, although that can be even more powerful than sex. Love is also about respect, responsibility, dependability, agreed goals, shared values, kindness, generosity, and the capacity to hang in there, to prevail.
I suspect, therefore, that part of your fear is about swapping a known love for an unknown one. And the question you face, I believe, is a different one. How will you handle an ongoing romantic involvement while remaining in your marriage? How will you maintain dignity if there is deceit? And even if there is no hiding, how will you retain the harmony of your marriage having introduced a stranger to that delicate mix? Will romantic love last if there is no accompanying anchor of shared responsibilities?
Staying put may bring about the very loss you fear, as romantic love languishes in the shadows, without the nurture of true togetherness, and slowly fades. Sundering a life-long togetherness will also cause grief, and invariably strain a new relationship. Risk, as you can see, abounds, no matter which way you walk.
There is nothing shameful in seeking emotional safety. On the contrary, we do it all the time, consciously or unconsciously. It is ultimately essential for our very sanity, so not to be sneezed at. The challenge of life is to decide where emotional safety truly lies. That's the question you're facing now. And it's not, ultimately, about whether love will last. It's about where you need to be in order to be truly yourself. Because that's what emotional safety is actually all about.
Living a false life is what ultimately destroys us, not the loss of love, however painful.
