15th March, 2009
Question
I met a guy on a night out nine months ago. We talked, kissed and I liked him. I asked him back to my place.
When we got outside the night-club I felt incredibly drunk, worse than I've ever been before. By the time we got to my house, I felt awful. I must have passed out. When I woke up, he had taken off my tights and underwear and was having sex with me. I remember feeling scared and panicked and asked him to stop. I wanted to push him off, but my arms felt really weak. He stopped eventually, got dressed, and left.
It was only when I woke up the next morning and saw that I was still wearing my dress that I started having flash-backs and realised what had happened. There was a condom on the floor. Otherwise I wouldn't even have known if he used protection. I felt really low and disgusted with myself, and angry with him. I really always thought this kind of thing only happened to stupid or slutty girls who drank too much. And I honestly don't consider myself to be that kind of person. It wasn't typical behaviour for me. I completely understand, too, that I gave him every signal that I wanted to sleep with him. And I probably would have chosen to do anyway. It was just that he didn't let me have a choice.
We met again by chance a short while later and he asked me if I'd go out with him. I know it sounds completely bizarre, and looking back I can't understand why, but at the time I felt relieved. In my own mind, going out with him again meant that it wasn't just some dirty one-night stand. I was also really embarrassed and, stupidly, wanted him to see that I'm not that kind of girl. I genuinely did grow to like him too. And he apologised frequently about that first night, saying that he was drunk too. But I wasn't ever really able to talk about it. Instead I tried to forget and just focus on the good things about him.
We started seeing each other regularly. He called it a relationship, but eventually it just became a question of meeting to have sex. This wasn't something I wanted, but I just went along with it. Time went by and I felt worse and worse about myself. I also began to hate him. I liked talking to him and felt better about myself when I was with him, but I didn't really enjoy sleeping with him. He was often really rough and wanted me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. I just liked being held afterwards. Of course I was back to feeling like dirt the next day, and he usually ignored me until he wanted to have sex again.
I have ended it now. I haven't told anyone the truth about it. I know I'm an idiot. I want to learn how to respect myself. How can I have a healthy relationship with someone?
Answer
Over-coming low self-esteem is hard, for two reasons. You have to believe you're worth it, even when deep down you seriously doubt it. You must act as though you respect yourself, even though you don't. You must trust that there is another you, and have the spiritual stamina to hold onto that vision, that promise of a better life. You're in a kind of psychological free-fall. It takes a lot of courage. It requires an act of faith.
It also requires discipline. It's a bit like making a New Year resolution. Say you decide to do Tai Chi for twenty minutes each morning. You know it's good for you, vital maybe if you're older or have a particular physical handicap. You may well also really enjoy it. It's still extraordinarily hard to develop and harden the habit. You'll regularly fall off the wagon, miss a morning, or even a whole week. That's because you have to break old habits in order to make way for this new one. You had a morning routine. Now you have to change it. Finding it hard isn't lack of character. Human beings are hard-wired for habit-making. That means the ones we have are seriously entrenched.
Finding out why you like yourself so little would help. A creative and caring counsellor would give you much-needed support on that road of emotional discovery. But the true key is the daily struggle of self-espect, be it as simple as accepting a thank-you for some work-elated task, or as serious as staying sober on a night-out. You are not an idiot. You are an intelligent and insightful woman. Putting little value on yourself was an act of self-preservation at some vulnerable stage in your life. Respect that, and start the process of change.
