1st June, 2008
Question
I come from a small town in rural Ireland and am due to inherit the family farm. I have older brothers, all of whom have qualified professionally and work either in Dublin or abroad, and two sisters who are married. I have just become engaged to a wonderful girl who is bright, pretty and makes me happy. My family adores her and we are building a house close to my parents. To the outside world my life is perfect but I am deeply unhappy.
A number of years ago I met a girl. She was unlike any girl I had ever met and she truly was the love of my life. She had such a unique outlook on life, such a vibrant spirit, and I was totally consumed by her from the moment we met. Until then I didn't believe such feelings of love existed. She shared my interest in travel, theatre, books and art, and for the first time in my life I felt completely free to be myself.
We dated for two years, the best and worst years of my life. The problem was simple: My parents strongly disapproved of my girlfriend. They never gave her a chance, belittling her and making her feel unwelcome, never inviting her to family events, suspicious from the beginning even though she is highly educated, has a good job, and comes from a respectable family. My parents are good people and I am very close to them, but they can be over-protective and narrow-minded at times. They never gave this girl a chance.
My way of dealing with this was to blame my girlfriend. I looked for ways to cause a fight between us, to get her to react. I never stood up for her, never defended her, and she put up with it for a long time until it finally drove a wedge between us, we began arguing, and I used this as a reason to end the relationship. I loved her deeply, but could see no future for us as long as my family disapproved of her.
She was devastated. We were still so much in love. And when we were alone together it was magical. My friends were shocked too, because they knew how happy we were together. In order to save face, and not look like a coward for failing to stand up to my parents, I told everyone lies, and basically made out that my girlfriend had ended the relationship. Yet throughout it all, she maintained her dignity, ignored the gossip, and never said a bad word about me, even though she had to watch me start a new relationship and move on in my life. She never told what truly happened between us, even though I know I broke her heart. I still see her occasionally on the street and when I do, I just want to put my arms around her and run away with her.
On the outside I appear happy and content. I tell everyone how much I'm looking forward to getting married and starting a family. But the truth is that I'm miserable, and whenever I have a moment to myself I start to think about my ex, wonder what she's doing, how she is, who she's with. I worry about her constantly and feel enormous guilt about what I did.
I know I cannot go back now. I cannot break my fiancee's heart, or shatter my parents' dream. I know my fiancée and I will be happy together. We are great friends and we never argue. But I'm marrying someone I care about rather than someone I love. If I had never met my ex, I would probably be very happy with my current situation, but because I know what real loves feels like, I know I'm settling for a lot less.
I really am at my wits' end at the moment. I have contemplated suicide, but know that my parents would be devastated. I'm 31, all my friends are married and starting families, and the pressure is on for me to do the same. I worry that I'll never be able to forget my ex-girlfriend and that in ten years time she'll still haunt me. I truly beg for your advice as I have no-one else to turn to.
Answer
This battle is not about the woman you love and left. Or about the woman you intend to marry and make miserable. This is about you living an authentic life. This is about you rescuing yourself from the shadow world you currently inhabit, this false existence of following your parents' wishes, rather than your own personal path.
Right this minute I have no idea whether you even want to run a farm at all. Do you ? I'm not ignorantly presuming that farmers can't pursue cultural interests. I am saying that you talk of having felt free to be yourself when with your ex-girlfriend, and farming wasn't mentioned. Travel, books, theatre and the arts were. That's how you define who you are.
Your parents' opposition to your ex-girlfriend wasn't about her. Like you said, you don't want to shatter their dream. And the dream isn't just about you farming. It's about the whole package. They are defining who you are in terms of tastes, personal choice, suitable wife. And you see your choice as stark: You either go with your parents' dream, lock, stock and barrel, or you - well what? Leave? Kill yourself? Disintegrate?
Demonising your parents would be easy, emotionally comfortable, fitting exactly into your passivity, perceived helplessness, victim mode. It's also a cul-de-sac. The real issue is how you can stop being that victim. We know how you got to here. It was your way of coping with parental demands. We understand that fear kept you where you are until now. But everything inside you screams at how wrong it is. How can we help you take up the challenge that your mind and heart are handing to you? Let me try.
Clear away the obstacles. What will break the heart of your fiancé is marrying her while pining for another. Your parents aren't overprotective, but ruthlessly pursuing their dream. What will kill you - metaphorically or actually - is trying to continue to live somebody else's dream.
Be kind to yourself. What you see as your cowardice is the creative response of your unconscious mind, made at a time when parental demands were too strong to be openly defied. The point is, you no longer need to feel so fearful. It's just hard to shake the habit.
Believe that you are a worthy man, deserving of a real life. And finally, if it helps, see it as a duty to duly honour your true self.
