27th July, 2008
Question
I was in a relationship with a man for ten months. It started really well and I did hope and believe we'd have a future together. He often talked about it, so it wasn't all in my head. Eventually, I saw that he was just using me and had no interest in having a real relationship. But by then I had fallen for him so deeply that I suppose I just kept hoping there was something I could do to make him love me.
It reached a point where he showed so little regard for me, and I felt so cheap and used, that I ended it. He didn't want that and asked if we could stay friends. I said no, was strong for a while, didn't contact him, and got on with things. But lately I've sent him a couple of text messages, which I know was a daft thing to do. He ignored them, which made me feel even more stupid.
I can't seem to move on with my life. He is literally my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. He isn't a bad guy. I understand that he would probably be a fantastic partner when he finds the right girl. And I know I'm just not that girl. That's where I come unstuck. Because I wonder what part of me was wrong for him.
Was it my personality in general that he didn't like? Was I too moody? Or was it just the way I look? Or was I not thin enough? I am questioning every aspect of myself and can't move on. I don't want to rush out and find another man, which, previously, has been the only way I've been able to get over the end of a relationship. I know that sounds awful and pathetic. I also know it's not a real solution. It's just that I feel I need someone else to think about. And when my confidence takes a knock, it's nice to know that someone else finds me attractive.
Of course I'd like to feel secure in myself, would love to have a healthy level of self-confidence and self-esteem and not continue to enter relationships which I know will have a negative impact on my life. But I keep doing just that and it's really getting me down.
Answer
Your personality is fine. You are not too moody. You are thin enough. You tick all the boxes. That's not the issue. The problem lies in asking those questions. You're not looking for love. You're looking for validation - a very different animal indeed.
Human beings are uniquely tuned into the world around them. We are born with the capacity to be shaped by our environment. We copy the sounds of our language, imitate the gestures of our family, vibrate with the emotions of others, absorb the feedback we get about how we should be. It's a huge strength, the bedrock of civilised society, the only route to proper togetherness. We call empathy. Those who lack it are psychopaths. Feelings are at its core.
The challenge of maturity is to balance such empathy with a strong sense of self. Clearly that's a difficult road to travel and none of us make it entirely. Nor should we. Deaf to the sounds that others make, we become selfish, static, boring and very hard to like. Needing too much feedback, on the other hand, turns us into emotional blotting-paper, soaking up a partner's moods, leaving him free to run riot with his own bad temper, selfishness, potential for bullying and capacity to exploit.
Put plainly, everyone needs checks and balances in order to be nice - in any relationship. But if you look to someone else to validate your existence, you put none of those checks and balances in place. No, I'm not criticising you. But yes, I am agreeing with you. This boyfriend isn't a bad bloke. You simply handed him too much power. So yes, you're right again. You shouldn't run into another relationship.
Stop knocking yourself. You didn't plan to be the way you are. Life handed you a scenario where it felt safest to hide who you really are, to bury the real you. The comforting fact is that you know exactly where the body is buried. Dig her up. Is she an angry person who has little practice in showing that anger? Is she tougher than you would like to pretend? Does she want to dominate a lot more than she does? Would she be more ruthless in her thoughts and actions if you let her? Is she a lot more ambitious than you would like to acknowledge? I think the answer to all those questions may well be yes, and that is good so.
We ask are we beautiful or thin enough or bright enough or nice enough as a substitute for claiming our space, our couple of cubic meters of air, which stakes out our separateness. You are unique and that's scary to admit. It's also where your attractiveness lies. And it's an exciting and exhilarating journey. Interestingly, it's not entirely about conquering fear. It's about shouldering responsibility - for our own thoughts, feelings, opinions, preferences and beliefs.
Take baby steps to begin with. If you want to go to 'Mama Mia' for the laughs then do it, even if the girls think Abba is awful. Spend a few bob on a couple of sessions with a personal dresser to firm up your sense of style - even if it means disagreeing with everything she chooses. Drink peppermint tea while all around you give elaborate orders for coffee. Tell your family, politely, that you think Holy Communion celebrations should be somewhat more spiritual. On your next date - and there will be a next date - remind yourself that the guy is lucky to be given the gift of your charming presence. Got it?
