16th November, 2008
Question
I am in my early sixties. Before I even went to University, I knew that I had quite a strong gay element in my make-up. In those days you naturally suppressed such thoughts about yourself. Acting on them was out of the question entirely. Religion and social pressure kept gay instincts well and truly at bay.
I have had a reasonably happy life, with one failed marriage and one which is failing right now. And I find myself increasingly drawn to the idea of at least experimenting with homosexuality. I am very fond of my wife, but the passion is long gone from the relationship. Even on the odd occasions when we do make love, it is perfunctory and unsatisfying. The menopause probably has a lot to do with it. Whatever, she is not really interested anymore. Even weekend breaks to beautiful places do not stir the embers of our once-hot passion.
Someone said recently that good sex has a great deal to do with theatre and entertainment. Well there is not much of either, when a somewhat overweight woman, tired from a day's work, wearily removes her enveloping underclothes, gets into bed, and is soon snoring peacefully. I want some excitement and enthusiasm from my partner. If I try to exhibit any, I'm told that it's all I ever think about. If I refrain from showing any interest at all, I can feel the relief and gratitude when she gets into bed. Out of respect for her, I have trained myself to avoid showing passionate interest.
I expect my situation is very common. Anecdotal reports from both men and women indicate that marriages over ten years old often quite suddenly cease to function. The question now becomes, do I look elsewhere? And in particular, do I try to find a man?
The excitement and adventure would be great. And perhaps I would be fulfilling a task I should have explored in my youth. On the other hand, the risks are high in terms of losing my wife, home and the respect of our families if anyone found out. And that's not to mention the risk of diseases and emotional disruption. If I took the plunge and it was discovered, the damage to my wife would be far greater, and I respect her too much to want to hurt her.
Yet I reckon that I might only have a few years of active life remaining, judging by the physical condition of many of the seventy-year-olds I know. Is it a good idea to take a chance and try to bring some living back into late middle age, before it is too late? When you begin to realise that senility and death are very likely not far around the corner, and if comfortable middle age doesn't suit you, it focuses the mind on trying to make the best of the time that is left.
Re-reading what I've written, it sounds as though I have already made up my mind. But this is not so. I have not made up my mind. Not at all.
Answer
Wow. You are one angry man aren't you? No, I'm not knocking it. Anger often brings with it a brutal honesty, which in your case has happened. That makes it far easier for a psychologist to set out her stall.
The pen-picture you paint of your wife is cruel. Everyone, of course, is capable of such cruelty. What's important is the source of such nastiness. Your problem is not repressed homosexual tendencies - even if you have them, which of course I don't know. What's bugging you is a deficit of frustration tolerance. It's not the menopause which is marring your bliss. It's your limited capacity to handle the challenges life poses. A male partner might well be tired after work too. Or might throw hissy fits and sleep in the spare room. Or complain that all you think of is sex. A flight into homosexuality won't solve your distress.
Sustained rage against the reality of your life has sent your thoughts flying towards homosexual exploration. What stays your hand is not concern about your wife, or any sense of honour about your marriage. You're a truthful man. Drop the self-deception. Fear of social repercussions for yourself, rather than thoughtfulness towards your wife, is the anchor which holds you firm in the face of your anger-fuelled fantasies. No, I'm not knocking that either. Fear in certain measure is essential to self-preservation. It keeps us grounded.
I don't do long-distance diagnoses. I do hear a certain cadence in your voice that sounds like the scratchy edge of high-octane irritability. You know, the kind of irritability which threatens to blow your head in a thousand pieces if you don't get a handle on it. It's a form of panic really, the conviction that we can't survive the distress of frustrated need.
Lack of frustration tolerance doesn't just make us unkind and cruel towards others. It leads us repeatedly down emotional cul-de-sacs. You won't be any happier with a homosexual partner. Your problem lies within, not without. Start working on the panic, and the anger and fear which fuel it.
