14th September, 2008
Question
I'm a man in my early fifties, a typical regular guy to most people who know me. I married my first girl-friend over 30 years ago and we have four adult children. Our marriage was blessed with love, happiness and devotion, harsh words being an extreme rarity. And we have a good life-style, having prospered and developed personally over the years. I still love my wife very much and my feelings for her have never diminished in any way. We have provided for each other and our children over the years and never wanted for anything.
Two years ago, while abroad on business, I met this woman in a café. There was no pretence. After a long evening she knew all there was to know about me and vice versa. Her age and background were similar to mine and she was divorced. She is a professional, financially independent and private woman, who instantly appealed to me. We kept in touch and I fell deeply in love with her. Eventually we spent some weekends together and had a full relationship, in every sense of the word.
She genuinely felt very bad and guilty about the circumstances, as did I. We talked about them at great length and I finally decided to end the relationship. She was heartbroken, but fully understood and supported my decision. She was as concerned about my wife as I was, and the devastation that could arise. Since my decision to end this relationship, I have lived the perfect life, devoting myself to my wife and looking after all around me.
With the benefit of hindsight, I was naïve and foolish to lead this woman into believing we had a future together. That I mislead her is the greatest regret I have. I still have deep genuine love for her, despite being happily married. It is a contradiction that I find hard to come to terms with. Is it possible to love two women? She still remains very central to my daily thoughts. I feel confused.
Answer
There is a subtle but pervasive lack of contrition in your story as you tell it. There's also a quite powerful lack of personal responsibility. You were not naïve and foolish to lead this woman on. You made the clear choice to be selfish and dishonourable. You also wronged your wife. And no, I'm not just thinking of the sexy weekends, or what you coyly refer to as your 'full relationship' with this woman. The real betrayal was to discuss your marriage with another woman, or chat about the 'circumstances' as you put it.
But what's really missing in what you've told me is any sense of personal pain. There you are, the regular guy to all around you, with this secret love-affair tucked in your back pocket, still puzzling you. Well, let me deconstruct the puzzle. You got itchy feet and wandered. You didn't love this other woman. You fancied her. And now she's not an unhappy memory. She's a notch on your bedpost. Far from regretting anything, you're engaging in the sentimental self-indulgence of constantly re-running the film.
Certainly we are all fallible. The difference is that the real 'regular' guys have a conscience. That means they turn their back on temptation. Or if they stray, they feel real guilt and pain as they look at the wife they have betrayed, and might well have lost. You have some serious catching up to do in the conscience stakes. Get started.
