1st June 2008
Question
I am a single 34 year-old woman and am having an affair with a 41 year old man, who is married with two children. We have been discussing a potential future together and he is aware that I will not have a long-term affair with him. I want to get married and have children of my own.
Naturally he has to consider the impact of a divorce on his children and I would make it my first priority to support his full involvement as a father, and hope to develop a good relationship with them myself as a step-parent. However, despite all his wonderful qualities, I can't list 'courage' as one near the top when it comes to describing him.
What is the likelihood of this actually working out for me? We both believe we are falling in love with one another, but he wasn't actually unhappy at home when we met. He's married 12 years and cares for his wife, they don't fight, and she's a good mother to their children. Perhaps they just married for convenience rather than because they were in love with one another. I'm sure there is love between them, but perhaps not the close intimacy and sharing of hopes and fears and all the wonderful things that being in love brings.
Answer
You're just barely hanging onto reality by your finger-nails. Hold fast, and look at what you're telling me. A total cad with two small kids is colluding with you in a fairy-tale. He's allowing all your imaginings because he likes the sex, or the attention, or the thrill of being a thoroughly nasty piece of goods.
This man isn't lacking in courage. He's lacking in moral fibre. No, that's not a knee-jerk, judgmental and injudicious response to the fact that he's being unfaithful. It's a truthful description of the man who's ruthlessly using you. He knows you want the whole package, love kids and commitment. So he allows you sufficient scope to indulge in your dream - and for what? So that he can go on basking in your adoration? And that's putting a positive spin on it. If he hated you, he couldn't be doing it any better, wasting your precious time. Put plainly, he has now intention of leaving his marriage.
I'm sorry to sound so blunt. I can't see any other way of telling you. So to answer your question, I think the likelihood of this working out for you is zilch, zero, non-existent. Get out would be my advice, now.
