18th January, 2009
Question
My mother is an alcoholic. I think this has affected me and still does. I love her and yet I hate her so much for her actions and her selfishness. She is an extremely negative force and I want to scream at her for visiting that upon me when I was growing up, damaging my self-esteem in the process.
I have no confidence in myself. I am so weak and can be really selfish and moody too. I constantly feel I'm not important to people. I worry that my work colleagues may think I'm stupid. I spend an unhealthy amount of time imagining the perfect happiness that I feel I'll never have.
During a study stint abroad I started seeing a guy. He was tall, dark and so handsome that I couldn't understand what he saw in me. After two months together, I had to come back. I still think of him as 'the one who got away'. That's probably because I didn't have enough time with him to realise that he wasn't perfect. He kept in touch at first, but no longer does so. Obviously he's happy to forget me, and why wouldn't he. Yet I keep thinking that if I could just meet him once, the spell would be broken. I know this is pure fantasy on my part, but I still can't help indulging the thought that we were meant to be together. The worst part is that I have a boyfriend who loves me, and who I can't imagine being without. I feel I'm being unfaithful just thinking these thoughts.
I hate myself. My boyfriend is a practical person who is able to draw happiness from his daily life. I feel I need someone to wave a magic wand. He can't imagine how anyone would want to kill themselves. But I can understand only too well, because I don't feel any real hope about what lies ahead. I don't believe I'd ever actually commit suicide, I just understand what might go through someone's head when contemplating it.
I wish I could live in the real world and be happy. But I feel like such a useless person, whom nobody needs, and who would quickly be forgotten. I'm not sure any of this makes sense.
Answer
I've two things to say to you. You must put an emotional, physical and practical distance between yourself and your mother. Alcoholics break all promises. They are feckless. Worst of all, they are manipulative, constantly looking to be rescued, and then taking control back in order to continue doing their self-damaging thing. Love your mother certainly. Don't try to help her. You can't. Like all alcoholics she must decide to help herself, and having proved that she's serious, can then humbly ask for support. Put bluntly, if you're living with her, get out.
Secondly, anger is good. Don't waste it in fantasies about screaming at your mother. Use your anger to transform your life. At the moment you're stuck in perceived powerlessness. That was fine when you were five, or even fifteen, and helplessly at the mercy of your mother. It's not a mark of Cain, a life sentence, the way things always have to be. Your mother damaged you, yes. So would a severe car accident. And yet you'd walk again, or learn to star, wheelchair-bound, in the Paralympics, or adapt to a false limb. We're all damaged by our past. That doesn't make us victims. It sets us a challenge.
Finally, fantasies are self-indulgence, a legitimate escape from the daily humdrum, time out from all the trying. Over-indulge, and you're copping out. You're too intelligent for that. Stop it.
