6th July, 2008
Question
I'm at my wits' end. I have a son who is adopted and we've lost contact with him. He dropped out of college, even though he'd done quite well in his first year exams. He just said he wanted to have a good time, and has moved in with his girlfriend, who lives about 15 minutes away from us. He's had various jobs, but they only last a few days and then he fails to turn up for work because he's had a late night and slept in.
My biggest upset, however, is the lack of contact. I feel he no longer loves us and this causes huge depression both in myself and my husband. It upsets our other children too. This was a very close family, we've always spent huge amounts of time together, and none of us can understand why he now ignores us. I also know he has taken drugs such as cannabis and I fear he could end up homeless and a drug addict.
We have spent many hours talking to him but it always ends up in arguments. He seems to be totally lacking in commitment, or any sense of responsibility, and at the moment he doesn't feel any love for anyone in his family. From time to time he has said that of course he loves his family and wants to see us, but then he goes off again and forgets us.
The problem does not lie in adoption. I know that, even though it has been suggested to me that it could be an issue. Knowing my child, I know it's pure selfishness. Although a lovely loving child, he has always been very selfish, with no self-discipline, no ability to postpone pleasure. He is very popular and has many friends, or so-called friends. But I wonder what will happen when they all move on and he is left with nothing, no job, no qualifications. It scares me.
I feel so depressed at times that it's affecting my relationship with my husband and my other children. My husband feels depressed too. He is a very loving man and has spent all his time with the kids down through the years. It breaks my heart to see him suffer.
Answer
The hardest task a parent faces is to let go. And that's the task you're facing right now. In common parlance, you need to toughen up. And truly, that's not meant to be nasty. If a child causes us to be depressed, then that's our responsibility, not the child's. In fact, even putting it like that is wrong. Your son isn't causing your depression, or that of your husband. As parents you are responding with depression to the way he behaves. Said differently, your son can't be expected to run his life based on the principle of keeping mum and dad happy.
I do know that sounds provocative, even hurtful, and I am sorry. There just isn't any other way I can think of to say what needs to be said. Your letter, as it reads, is primarily about you, and your husband, rather than about your son. And that's fine. It's just important that you recognise that fact. You are hurt and deeply disappointed. You're asking for help to deal with that.
You're right. This isn't primarily about adoption. You are confronted with a son who is refusing to conform. Sure, the fact that he's adopted could have singled him out somewhat within the family. It is not, however, either a reason or an excuse for his behaviour. He has chosen to drop out. And in order to be comfortable with that, he's avoiding his family. He doesn't want the hassle.
Nobody would choose to be in your shoes. It's not nice to have a bright son leave college, dabble in drugs, and mess about with his life. But he must be at least 19, a man according to the laws of the land, and beyond your active control. He's making his own decisions.
Your son is staying away for several reasons. Like I said, he doesn't want the hassle of hearing your disapproval. He doesn't want the comparisons either, doesn't want to see the discrepancy between the way he's leading his life and the way the rest of the family lead theirs. He's dodging reality if you like - or one particular reality. Perhaps, too, he sees the closeness of the family as claustrophobic. And probably most importantly of all, he doesn't want to deal with your emotional distress. He doesn't want the responsibility of your unhappiness. What can I say. He's 19 or 20 years old. Of course he's selfish.
It's very important that you nurture and console yourself. This is not your fault. You've done your best. More importantly, you love your son. The first step, therefore, is to stop depending on him for your happiness. What he does is not about you, about how successful or unsuccessful you were as a parent. It's about him. Disengage. See him as a separate human being, forging his own way in life, making his own mistakes. And do likewise - I mean make your own life with your husband.
I know it's a neat trick, but what you need to do is give your son some slack, without condoning his choices. The message you want to send is two-fold: You love him, but are not going to die of despair if he distances himself for a while. And secondly, you love him, value his company, and ultimately accept that it's his life, even though you disapprove.
That way, you could have a coffee with him in Starbucks without discussing his life-style. You could text him that you're off on holidays with his dad. You could ring him and say you're on your own next Saturday in the shopping centre and would he like to help you carry your bags.
It's called faith, in your own parenting, in the strength of the loving bonds which bind you and your son, in the family's ability to help pick him up if he falls, and above all, in your son's capacity to cope as an individual human being. Go get happy with your husband. It's time.
