30th August, 2009
Question
I've come to the end of my tether trying to deal with my sister, but I love her and want to have a good relationship with her. She's a few years older than me, and we have four brothers. She and I were very close as it was always us against them.
My whole life my sister has been the boss and when I was younger I never saw anything wrong with this. As kids I was like her little servant. I worshipped her and did everything for her because she was my cool older sister. Now I'm an adult, I can't do it anymore.
But she still tells me what to do - and tells my parents and brothers what to do. My brothers and dad just ignore her, but it really upsets me to see my mother waiting on her hand and foot. She's married with children and lives quite a distance away, so when we do see her, I try not to let her bossy nature get to me as I don't want to ruin the time we have together.
My mother is always on edge when my sister calls. She gets out the best of everything - china, linen table-cloths, the lot - and will cook and clean for my sister as though she were royalty. Yet my sister snaps at her for the smallest things. And I'm angry with my mother too because she sees nothing wrong with my sister's behaviour. I suppose I should be honest and say I'm a little jealous of her influence on my mother. My mother is a self-sacrificing lady who does everything for her family. Since I'm still living at home, I try to help her and regularly attempt to persuade her to days out, or a night at the cinema, but she always has some excuse. However, when my sister suggests anything, my mother is immediately on board. I suppose it's a case of the prodigal daughter here.
Despite all this, I know deep down that for all her smart comments and nastiness, my sister is very lonely. And she has a good heart. She's hasn't got an easy time with her three boys, has lost all her friends since she moved away, and the people around her are no support. She's so highly strung that even if I try and organise a night out, everything has to be perfect or she can't relax. I miss being friends with my sister, I want to clear the air with her, but whenever I do stand up for myself, I end up sounding childish and petty. I can never pick my battles properly, and she is always on the defensive because she's so stressed. When we row, it's over silly things.
How do I start afresh with her? I want to be close with her again, but don't want to be her slave. How do I gain her respect? And how do I stand up for myself without sounding like a moody teenager?
Answer
You have two interconnected but still quite separate problems. Your sister bullies you. And secondly, you are in competition with her - particularly in the context of your mother. As you put it, you're a little jealous of her influence on your mother. More simply, you would like your mother to realise that you are the better daughter - you treat her with more respect, are nicer to her, even love her with greater depth. What you crave is recognition.
Solving your sister involves disentangling these two problems.
At the moment, your distress about your mother's attentiveness to your sister makes you emotional. Hence your failure to pick your battles properly, and the feeling that you sound like a moody teenager. Such sibling rivalry - to use the technical jargon - is deep-seated and shifts slowly. What you can do, however, is recognise it - as you have done - and then make a conscious decision to distance yourself. It hurts to see your mother treating your sister like royalty. It hurts that she doesn't recognise how much you love her. It's painful, yes, but it's not your problem. The dynamic lies within your mother. She's nicer to the one who treats her with the least respect. That's a fault-line in her psyche. You're trying to rescue her. You can't do that.
This, I promise you, will hurt less if you rescue yourself. And you can do that. At the moment you're taking your cues from your mother, and pandering to the bully. Your father and brothers don't. They ignore your sister. They don't care if the atmosphere is spoiled by their resistance to her orders and demands. And hey presto, the atmosphere isn't spoiled. What spoils the atmosphere is your mother's attempt at playing happy families, accepting bad behaviour from your sister in the interest of 'keeping everything nice'. But of course it's not nice. And you're there, piggy in the middle, trying to help your mother keep the illusion afloat.
Distance yourself from your mother. Like I said, you can't rescue her. She has to do that for herself. Copy your father and brothers instead - in some shape or form. That means finding variations on the word 'no'. You can do it with humour, laughing off some order from your sister. You can do it by omission - stop trying to organise nice times out with her. You can do it with your absence - kiss her on the cheek and say you have to fly about five minutes after she calls over.
My promise again: As you ease out of your attempts to protect your mother, you will find it increasingly easy to find your own style of resistance to your sister's bullying. And that, of course, is the clue to earning her respect. It's also your best shot at sisterly togetherness. And who knows, your mother might start changing her behaviour when she see you standing up for yourself - her choice of course.
