20th July, 2008
Question
After 30 years of marriage, my whole life has been shattered. I recently found that my husband has been emailing a 24 year old girl whom he had met on a business trip some weeks ago. I confronted him, he admitted everything, but swore that nothing had happened, and that it was just banter between them. The tone of the emails didn't sound like banter to me. The whole thing seemed a little seedy and perverted, particularly since he is an almost 57-year-old father of four. Anyway, we talked the whole thing through and I agreed not to mention it again.
Yesterday, however, I came across a phone bill for my husband's mobile, and seeing it was very high, I checked it through and found that the same number had been called as much as a dozen times some days. My husband initially denied any knowledge of the number, then confessed that this was another woman he had met in the course of his work over a year ago and they had remained in touch . Again he said it was innocent, and argued that it was the woman involved who maintained the contact. Maybe I'm missing something, but long calls from him don't sound like a one-way communication to me.
My husband has always travelled extensively for his job and I trusted him completely. So some people might say it's now time to get out of my marriage. But you see I love my husband dearly and could not visualise my life without him. He has been a great provider for our family, and a great father to our children. I have put a lot of work into my marriage, we have a lovely home, no debts, and I worked outside the home too, to help make things financially easier. I now feel betrayed.
Answer
You're very angry, as well as hurt, and I don't want to frustrate you. But could I take a slight detour to make what I think is an important point?
I never believed in knowing everything about my son. I do believe I stayed emotionally in touch, knew where he was in his life, and could be counted on when he needed me. Even when he was quite young, I thought it was important that he had a secret life - well secret from me - where he made his own mistakes, tried things I wouldn't approve of, challenged the norms we lived by, took risks. This wasn't just about privacy, which is necessary for every individual. If I'd known of his every misdemeanour, you see, I would have had to make a stand. And it isn't always wise to make a stand.
Your husband clearly likes female company and wants and needs to be treated as a sexy attractive man. You love him and don't want to lose him. Do you think, then, that it's wise to put yourself in the position of being the critical, angry wife, calling him to account? Wouldn't it be nicer, not to mention wiser, to take your new knowledge about him not as a betrayal, but as a wake-up call? And be the one who gives him the female admiration he so obviously craves? Your husband doesn't want to lose you either. He wants to be wanted, not just as a good provider and father, but as a young and vibrant man.
My advice, even at the risk of being burned at the stake for what I have to say? Take your husband's explanations about the emails and telephone calls at face value. Stop digging for more evidence. Seduce him all over again. Stop, in other words, being hard on yourself. You want to be his wife. Well, be her. Yes, I do know that it will be a lonely station. But can you manage to see it as just another challenge this unfair life of ours has thrown you?
