22nd June, 2008
Question
I'm a 39 year old single female and am trying to make sense of my experiences.
I had a psychotic breakdown in 2004. My partner at the time abandoned me while I was in hospital. He also refused to have me in his home, where I had been living, when I was ready to be discharged. A few months later he contacted me and said he'd see me once a week. I stopped this arrangement after a few months as I did not want the humiliation of being around him while he looked for another partner.
About a year later he rang to let me know that he had a new partner but still cared about me and wanted to see me from time to time. I refused, but spent the next 18 months pining for him and wishing he would leave his new partner and return to me. I became extremely withdrawn and jealous of other couples.
Shortly before Christmas last, he rang again, this time to tell me he was married, but still wanted us to meet up now and again. Again I said no. But I recently saw him and his wife out shopping, holding hands, and the hurt was immense.
Rationally I know that he is not coming back. But I'm finding it very difficult to let go emotionally. I still pine for him and wish he would return to me. I feel as if I have put my life on hold and cannot move on. I'm on the verge of tears all the time.
Basically I cannot come to terms with the shame of having had a breakdown, and the fact that my partner rejected me.
Answer
Ah, but there's something else you need to see. You had the spirit, courage and innate sense of dignity necessary to do the right thing. You sent this small man packing. He attempted the usual con trick. He couldn't, or wouldn't stand by you. But he didn't want to face that fact. So he tried instead to play Mr Nice Guy, not for your sake, but to make himself feel better. You didn't allow that. Which makes you a pretty fantastic woman.
I don't think, deep down, that you're actually pining for this weak man, although I understand completely that that is how it feels. You're pining for a more innocent time, when all seemed well with the world. You are wishing the past four years hadn't happened. You are grieving for yourself. That's entirely appropriate. You've had a very hard journey. What you need now is to nourish the heart and mind and body that have been bruised and battered. Focus your energy on yourself.
You need to face down that sense of shame. What, exactly, are you ashamed of? A psychotic breakdown is no different in principle than a heart attack, where the cause is congenital, like a faulty heart valve, rather than the result of a misspent life of too much drink, cigarettes, sugar and fat-filled food and chronic lack of exercise. You are not to blame. Quite the contrary.
That analogy with the heart attack is not entirely appropriate. Calling what happened to you a 'breakdown' is missing the point. Psychosis is just another step in the truly creative process of our mind's attempt to deal with past emotional damage. The reason it rattles people - and here I mean psychiatrists and public alike - is that it's a step which they can't follow, contains a logic which eludes them, so they feel afraid. And in their fear, they slap a label on it. I don't know what happened you when you were young and vulnerable. I do know it hurt. And you've been trying to deal with that hurt. That's all. Where's the shame in that?
I think we have to settle for saying that yes, your boyfriend rejected you. Anything else is sort of dodging isn't it? The point is, that says a lot about him, not about you. You hit a wall in terms of trying to deal with the reality of your existence. And your ex-boyfriend didn't, or couldn't, handle it. That about sums it up doesn't it? He could have done the same if you'd got breast cancer, or got pregnant unexpectedly and refused to have an abortion, or insisted on looking after a needy family member, which entailed a serious intrusion on your lives together. His love was put to the test, and he failed. His 'rejection' says nothing bad about you.
I hope you're having the support of a good therapist. You are courageous and good and truly deserve help. I wish you well.
