6th July, 2008
Question
My son, aged 33, has been refusing to communicate with me for quite some time. We did not have any row, or even any cross words. He is the youngest of six children and was only 10 years old when my husband died. He visits his brothers and sisters, particularly the sister closest in age to himself, but will try to avoid me if I happen to be there. I'm 76 years of age and find this most painful.
I've tried to find out from him what is wrong, but he refuses to tell me. He lives at the other end of the country, has a successful business, travels a lot, and is very hard-working. We had a fairly good relationship until he finished college, and then it started to deteriorate. I tell him that I love him, which I do, but get no response.
I wrote to him recently, again asking him what's wrong, and said it would be my last attempt. I badly need help.
Answer
Sons seem to be the topic this week. Or perhaps, more accurately, it's parenting.
One of the mistakes we make as parents is to presume that everything is about us, and to presume that we, somehow, have to fix it, when it comes to our kids. We don't - certainly not when they're big and bold enough to look out for themselves.
Yes, it is hurtful that your son is dodging you. Of course you would like it to be otherwise. But don't be more hurt than you have to be. If a man in his '30's can't tell you what's wrong, and chooses avoidance over communication, then he is the one with the problem. And it's not your job to find a solution. So stop trying.
It is your job to respect his decision. A regretful shrug of the shoulders is what you have to aim for. Or if that sounds too superficial, a quiet acceptance of our own sadness is what we need to achieve in such situations. I basically believe that children should be kind and respectful and caring towards their parents. Sometimes, however, they can't manage it. And it's not some kind of human right that we can extract from our kids, or demand of them, or bang on about.
Sometimes, people we love don't love us back. And sometimes, people we badly need to communicate with, block us off. And sometimes the people in question are not friends or lovers but our children. One of the greatest gifts we can give is to allow a child the freedom to do it his way. And we do that best by managing our own grief at his absence, if it's absence he chooses.
Try and cultivate stillness. If you feel it's appropriate, write again, just to say that you're sorry for whatever part of the problem that may be down to you. Then leave it be. The ball is in your son's court. Let it rest there.
