9th November, 2008
Question
I generally allow men to use me for sex. And any man I get close to ALWAYS says that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, but only wants casual sex. I realise that there must be something I do to make them say this. And I've recently recognised that I have a rather poor opinion of myself. I've also become very negative towards men. Some days I really hate them.
My father was mildly abusive to my mother, most of which were 'platonic', although one was sexual. They divorced twelve years ago. My mother always told me a great deal about what went on with dad, and I think this has made me very untrusting and sensitive.
I would like to have a loving relationship, but am scared and just don't know how. How do you suddenly start loving yourself after 30 years of not doing so? I know I've been looking to men for validation, and that such validation needs to come from me. I just don't know where to begin.
Answer
No-one learns to love herself overnight. It's a slow and hard emotional slog. It's also infinitely rewarding. Most importantly, it's possible. What you really learned from your mother was low self-esteem. She allowed herself to be ill-treated. You've followed suit. Your task is to change that.
Shrugging off the self-fulfilling prophecy is the first step. Yours goes like this: You distrust men, you choose no-hopers, you go along with their sexual exploitation of you, which brings you back to more mistrust. To break that vicious circle you need to recognise that anger is what keeps it going.
It's not that you're learning to hate men. You already do. You hated what your father did to your mother. Harder to face is the fact that you also hated your mother for letting it happen. All that anger could have moulded you into a woman who wouldn't let it happen to her. Instead, you continued the emotional abuse you witnessed in your parents' marriage by actively seeking out men who would be nasty to you too. That's not a criticism. Don't knock yourself for it. Your unconscious mind had good reason to make that choice.
You can now choose differently. Stop having sex. Get professional help with your low self-esteem. Decide you're worth it. And work on harnessing that anger as a force for good, rather than the instrument of your downfall.
