29th March, 2009
Question
Like the lady who wrote recently, I too love somebody else, but am afraid to end a secure marriage. I'm in my 50's with a grown family, all of them gone and doing their own thing. My husband and I have what most other people would call a very happy marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father, just as I am a good mother and wife. But I never loved him in the way I know I should have. He, on the other hand, loves me very much and I know that if I were to leave, his world would end.
I am very much in love with another man, and have been for several years. We were friends for a long time and it grew from there. I never wanted to have an affaire as I didn't like sex and only had sex all those years in my marriage to keep my husband happy. But when I made love to this man it was so wonderful. I didn't know I could feel like this. We have lovely times together and both love each other very much. We are soul mates, in every sense of the word.
The problem is that I'm afraid to leave my secure marriage. This man is not married and has no children, but his career takes him around the world and he loves what he does. I know he would not give it up for me, but to be together he'd need to. I guess you could say that I have the best of both worlds. But I am so unhappy trying to live two lives, wanting so much to be with one man, and yet not wanting to hurt the other. My sexual relationship with my husband stopped a few years ago. I know he hopes it will come back and puts it down to the change of life. He knows nothing of this other man.
Answer
I think it may be time to ban all reference to soul mates. Using the word 'soul' makes it sound like such relationships are on another plane entirely, free from normal standards of honesty and honour, to be judged entirely differently. Yes, I do understand the feelings you have for this man are powerful. That's not the issue.
Many married couples reach an 'understanding', verbalised or otherwise, when it comes to sexual fidelity. Some men, closet gays or just not turned on, wordlessly but willingly, close their eyes to their partner's extra-marital affairs. Wives do likewise. It may not sound nice and is unquestionably compromising, but it's a contract of sorts. Then there are wives and husbands who cheat, have secret affairs, are deceitful and dishonest, and often damage the fabric of their marriages, even when they are not found out.
Maybe it's just the way you tell it, but your story touches another nerve, seems somehow in a different league again. Your husband is patiently waiting for you to return to the marital bed, generously accepting that women can have menopausal difficulties, and you're abusing his devotion. You're not just lying. You're making a fool of him. The relationship with your lover is based on the most profound disrespect for your husband. What has he ever done to deserve such cruelty?
Fear has been much maligned in our modern world. In fact we've put enormous effort into banishing it. This is based on the fundamentally flawed assumption that good behaviour is either inherent in human beings, or can be shaped by reward alone. That is not so. There is a very fine line between fear and respect. In fact you could argue that respect and fear are intrinsically entwined. And I'm not talking terror here. I'm talking consequences.
Look at your attitude to your husband. You clearly don't fear any consequences. You believe his world would end if he lost you. So you take licence with your marital commitment. Would you be so bold if you thought he might relentlessly pursue a crippling divorce if he found out?
Where is your heart? Equally importantly, where is your head? I don't understand why your lover would have to give up his career if you two were to become a couple, but I accept what you're saying as fact. Can you accept the inevitable logic of that position? Rather than rendering huge changes in his life, he's settling for having you sexually on the side. Is that respectful?
No, I don't think you have the best of both words. Far from it. I think your disrespect for your husband is mirrored by a profound disrespect for yourself. You're also neither emotionally nor intellectually honest, which leaves you stumbling through an inauthentic life. How can you say, for example, that you don't want to hurt your husband? What you mean is that you don't want to suffer yourself. Yet you are missing the loss which you have already suffered, which is lost dignity, and so damaging.
You've been knocked sideways by sexual passion - something that everyone can understand. You badly need to regain your bearings.
The decisions you make, of course, are down to you.
