1st February, 2009
Question
I have been having an affair with a colleague for six months now. We are both in our thirties. She's married with one small boy. I'm divorced with two children who live with my ex.
She tells me that she has never felt so good with anyone before and that she has fallen in love with me. I feel the same way. She almost left her husband two weeks ago. Even before we became intimate, she often complained that she didn't love her husband and that she had made a mistake marrying him. We have talked about being together, uniting our families.
To make matters worse, they have just bought a new house and are in the process of serious renovation. She is also petrified of being a lone parent. Lately she's begun to talk about compromising on what she wants, code words for saying that she's no longer sure about ending her marriage. She also told me that she's still sleeping with her husband, saying that people sometimes do it even when they don't want to.
Basically there's one part of me that wants to walk away from this, partially because we were good friends before we were lovers. We're risking that for sure. Another part of me of course just wants to be with her, because I am in love with her. I'm leaning towards the walking away option right now. But that's just because I'm currently on an extended business trip. There's every chance that once I see her again I'll be straight back into it.
I am aware of the ethical issues of having an affair, but please, I'm looking for some straight advice about what to do. Our Creator will deal with me when the day comes.
Answer
You've given me the answer yourself. This woman has no intention of leaving her husband. In fact, she may well be looking for a strategic exit strategy. It's not just about risking your friendship. She doesn't want any ripples in the work-place. For that matter, neither do you.
Affairs seldom, if ever, end on an even note. Few people are so emotionally synchronised that they both wake up one morning and hey presto, the feelings have faded, desire is done, the wanting has waned, simultaneously. Someone usually gets hurt - even in the reasonably good scenario where husbands or wives have no clue. In this instance, it's going to be you who feels the pain. So much is clear.
I have no idea if your woman friend will suffer too. My guess is that you have no idea either. What did she ever want out of the affair anyway? Do you even know that? You wanted a life with her. And yes, she's talked about loving you, participated in conversations about uniting your families, but what has she done, in concrete terms, to make any of that possible? What ties has she torn in the complex web which is every marriage? None. And now she's even changed the tone of her talk.
You do know you need to exit this relationship. No, I'm not straying onto the Creator's patch. I'm simply relaying back to you the reality you've put to me. And no, there's no easy route. It's going to hurt, a lot, for quite a while. And then it won't hurt anymore. You already know that too. You've been through a divorce. Falling out of love is possible. It just takes time.
