8th March, 2009
Question
I'm a relatively young man, in his twenties, looking for some sense of direction in his life. I don't know where I'm going. Most of my friends are settled at stage, but I don't seem to be anywhere close.
A couple of years ago I fell in love with a girl and I still have the same feelings for her to this day. The problem is that she's best friends with my ex-girlfriend from back then. And even with the years in-between, this could still be an issue. To add to that, I have no idea how she feels. And as much as I want the situation to resolve itself as soon as possible, I'm finding it hard to see a way that it can.
I'm not sure if I'm in the right career either. I am thinking about returning to college to pursue what I really want, but I'm not sure I could manage with the loss of income. Things just seem to be going wrong for me over the last few years, and no matter how brave a face I try to put on it, or how often I pick myself up off the ground, I seem to fall back down again. I'm going round in circles.
I know I've let disappointments in one area of my life spill over into other areas, and let things affect my confidence. But it has, at times, been very hard. I also realise how inspired I would be if this girl was part of my life, and how happy she could make me. I see her very often, we all see each other. I'm just worried that telling her how I feel could possibly ruin our friendship, or affect the friendship she has with my ex.
I have tried to forget her and move on, but it seems to do no good. Every time I see her I get this feeling between us and it brings it all back.
Answer
It's not that you've let disappointment spill from one area of your life into another. You've allowed indecision to spread. You're hooked on a girl, doing nothing about it, and getting slowly demoralised. When we're paralysed in one part of our lives, it gets increasingly hard to be bouncy the rest of the time.
It's time to start thinking. This isn't about friendship between your ex-girlfriend and the one you fancy. It isn't even about your friendship with the girl of your dreams. Certainly it will be uncomfortable for a while if you declare your romantic interest and she's not interested. But that's all it will be, uncomfortable - and only for a while. A gang of friends aren't going to disintegrate because you have a quiet word with the one you love.
Recognise something else. You've created a perfect scenario of inaction, unconsciously of course. If only you had this girl, she'd inspire you to do great things on all fronts, so your story goes. But you can't say anything to her for fear of disrupting what you have. The result? Comfortable, but constraining, depressing and demoralising powerlessness on your part. You suffer, but can do nothing. Can I say, without offending, that any onlooker would have to question whether this is really love. No, I am not dismissing your feelings. Nor am I suggesting you're telling lies. It's just that all human beings have a powerful ability to delude themselves. If unrequited love excuses us from action, we have to challenge the true nature of that love.
The answer? Step out of your comfort zone. This is a cage of your own creation. Open it. Tell the girl how you feel, discretely.
