7th September, 2008
Question
My brother is in his mid-forties. We are a family of six and he is the youngest. We are all married and he is still single. He had several relationships and was engaged twice when he was younger, but each time he broke it off. Our parents are dead now, but my mother had suspicions that he was gay because he was always the one who backed out.
I see no signs of him being homosexual. I was told, however, that each time he broke off an engagement, he would always go back to seeing a particular woman who is divorced. He worked at the other end of the country for several years, but always returned to see her. He lives alone.
I would hate to think that my brother is alone because he couldn't tell us he is gay. I also realise that in the past, our family would have been very judgmental about a divorced woman and am now concerned that he might feel he cannot be open about her. He has never been one to rock the boat. Some of our family have met her, and say she is a truly nice person.
I don't want to intrude on my brother's private life. But I would hate to think that he is going to always be alone because he feels he can't face us, whatever the truth is about him.
Answer
Despite our current confessional culture, I know it can be hard to break a taboo. And that's what we're talking here, taboo, or if you like, a chronic habit. A conspiracy of silence around your brother has been carefully built, by the whole family, and it can feel scary to step outside it.
To breach a taboo effectively, you have to consider something else. Taboos aren't always negative. They are not exclusively built on fear. Respect can and does play a huge role in what we deem admissible or appropriate. There are some people in whose presence you just don't curse. That's not fear. It's respect.
Your family's silence on the subject of your brother's sex life is not simply a question of prejudice about divorced women or gay men. As you mentioned yourself, it also involves respect for your brother's privacy. His life is basically his own business. Loving someone doesn't necessarily involve strolling through his soul.
It's a neat trick, balancing respectful distance with interested love. It's a discussion I often have with Zen-leaning friends. They argue that if someone wants to, he can approach them - for advice, intimacy, opinion, action. I'm not convinced. I'm an interventionist - or as Eoghan Harris would say, I believe in acting with good authority. You just have to be prepared to be rebuffed, be capable of riding out a storm, and committed enough to stick with it, whatever you uncover. There's no point making a dawn raid on someone's innermost self and then running for the hills when things get tough.
From where I'm sitting, I'd say ask your brother how he is. But before you do, check yourself out on two counts. Can you respect whatever decision he makes when you approach him? He may tell you to go to hell, refuse to ever talk to you again, laugh about how different things were when you were all growing up, or tell you how he really ticks. Secondly, if he produces a long-term lover, of either sex, can you deal with that - whatever 'that' may entail? Can you, in other words, deal with the potential Pandora's box of someone else's emotions?
If yes, talk to your brother about his life. Tell him your thoughts. Why not? In to-day's world they are truly commonplace, in the best possible sense. And he's a big guy.
