8th February, 2009
Question
I spend over half my waking hours day-dreaming about being somebody else, somewhere else, living a dramatically different life. That's not because I have a miserable real-life existence. I don't. I have everything I need. I am lucky to have a good job, a lovely partner and lots of friends. And I come across as happy and confident. But leave me on my own, and within a few minutes I've transported myself into another existence entirely, having conversations with fictitious people, or ones who do exist but are definitely not with me. My partner doesn't even comment anymore when he finds me staring into space or chatting to myself. He thinks I'm eccentric and ignores it, which is a huge relief.
This hasn't affected my life in any bad way. I've done OK for myself overall. Although I suppose I could have got a lot further in life if I'd had a little more focus. I find that I'm quite good at most jobs I do.
I've tried to analyse why I became a double agent in my own life. I will admit that when I'm anxious, angry or unhappy, the tendency to day-dream increases and the daydreams become even more fantastical. So I know it's sometimes a coping mechanism. Sometimes, though, it's just fun. I'm also aware that my childhood was a tense, unhappy time, for several reasons. I realise all families are dysfunctional at times, but I became very isolated. I'm not close to my family even now, and seldom see them. It doesn't bother me most of the time. I do feel anxious when asked about them. Later I'll then have a fictitious argument with them, justifying why I feel the way I do. In the real world, I have no intention of even talking to any of my family as I don't consider many of them to be good people. But sometimes, like I said, I just enjoy it.
Is the way I am normal? Or if not normal, is it acceptable? Is it not true that everyone has their eccentricities, their unique way of coping with the demanding world we live in? Can I continue to believe that it's OK to daydream my way through life? Or am I in denial about my mental state?
Answer
I'm a huge fan of day-dreaming. It allows us to be all the people we are not. By that I don't mean Kiera Knightly, or whoever is the current male dream squeeze. I'm talking about being the bitch, witch, foul-tempered harridan of Shakespearean proportions, when we're angry, or star of every show, when we're shy and self-conscious. Fantasies allow us to rise to every occasion - without the damage to our peace of mind real action might engender.
There is, of course, a serious down-side. We can substitute dreaming for necessary self-assertion. Sometimes when you're anxious, angry or unhappy you need to change the circumstances of your existence. Anxiety and anger are not always misplaced. Unhappiness is not always the result of some fault-line within you. Sometimes something needs to be done. Retreating into a private world is then wrong.
The question is not about normalcy. It's about appropriateness. Imagination is a skill. Don't use it as a substitute for the courage to challenge, when challenging is what is required.
