15th June, 2008
Question
I am married, very happily, with three sons, all in their late teens. We have our ups and downs like any family. We're not especially close in that the kids don't really open up to us - unless there's an explosion, which is very rare indeed. My wife gave up working outside the home to look after the lads. We were lucky to be able to afford that. We sit down almost every evening to a meal around the table, no TV allowed. We talk and have a bit of fun usually, but no meaning of life stuff.
We have the usual computer and two years ago I opened it up, the usual list of sites came up, except one, which froze me - more for it's bluntness than anything else. It was gay men, going at it, with nothing left to the imagination, toned muscular young men having all kinds of sex with each other.
The last one to use the computer was our middle son, then aged 15, but young for his age. He was never as streetwise as his brothers, although he has brains to burn and does very well at school. I asked him about it, but ducked out of mentioning the whole gay thing, hoping that he might open up to me. He didn't, and in fact began crying. I asked him did he want to tell me anything and he said no.
I felt very uncomfortable with this episode and deliberately didn't pursue the gay content of the site as such. I didn't want to pigeon-hole him and didn't want him to do the same to himself either. Instead I stuck with talking about porn sites, how they can be time bombs, how he could unintentionally open up sites that were illegal - meaning child pornography - and end up in very serious trouble. I also said that while most boys might be curious and some might be uncertain of their own sexuality, sites like these were not going to be of any assistance to them in looking into these issues. I didn't lose the head or express shock or revulsion. I tried to be frank, but not intrusive, and sought to leave leeway for him to talk then or later.
I didn't discuss the issue with my wife in any detail, other than to say that our son was accessing sites that were not appropriate on the computer. I didn't mention the gay content. While she's the best in the world, my wife goes into denial about such issues when it comes to her kids.
This son's best mate is a lovely guy whom we know very well. My kid looks up to him and doesn't have a great range of friends otherwise. They have been friends since childhood, play sports and music together, and sometimes hang out with others, usually girls. To be honest, I've always strongly suspected that the mate was gay. And I was always a tad concerned of any influence he might have on my son as they got older.
I know boys may well experiment sexually, often with their mates, and have no problem with that. But I am wary that initial experiences may colour a boy's sexuality to some degree. I was abused as a young boy myself and found the experience a strange mixture of fear and confusion. Looking back years later, I also realised how sexually charged young teenagers can be.
Some friends have now told me that this boy makes no secret of the fact that he's gay when amongst his peers. But he has not come out at home. I run hot and cold on the topic because I know that boys will throw shapes at that age. My wife does suspect that this friend of our son's is gay, but is immensely fond of him, and he of her. But while I've gently tried to touch on the possibility that our son could be gay too, I don't press the issue. Like I said, she's big into denial as a way of life.
What do I do? Do I raise the topic with my son again? I hate the idea of him carrying what could be a huge burden for him, with no-one to open up to. We do get on well, and I've often told all three sons to always approach us if they have a problem. On the other hand, I feel I must allow my son his privacy too. And if I was wrong, I would have made an appalling error.
Answer
Your son has put the gay question on the agenda by accessing gay porn sites and having a relatively exclusive relationship with one male friend, who is gay. Why, then, would it be an appalling error to ask him if he has gay thoughts or feelings, or however you might put it? I'll tell you the reason I'm asking.
It seems to me you're afraid that by even mentioning homosexuality to your son, you'll tip the balance, and he'll become gay. From your own personal past, you understand the fragility of sexual orientation. So you're scared that if you probe your son's feelings, you'll be subtly giving him permission, or pushing him over the edge, or determining his decision. And that's magical thinking, born of anxiety. Life doesn't happen that way. Asking a question doesn't make something happen.
Asking may, however, reveal something which is already going on. And perhaps that's the problem. Your 15 year old son cried when you asked him about a gay site he'd visited - and you dodged asking him why. Wasn't that about your fear of what you might hear?
Isn't it also worth thinking about the fact that you feel the fragility of sexual orientation so keenly, and yet never sought to influence the friendship between your son and his gay mate? You saw your son's dependency on this friend, his hero-worship of this guy, the exclusivity of the relationship, but never sought to interfere, or try and alter things. You clearly love your son dearly, but didn't think that parental authority stretched to that? Isn't it worth exploring why you felt so powerless?
I don't seek to apportion blame. I'm just trying to help with the question I think you're asking. You now know your son's friend is gay. Looking away isn't working any more for you. You're wondering what to do. My suggestion is that you talk to your son, tell him you've been dodging for over two years, and ask for a frank discussion. Because I don't believe it's enough to tell kids they can always come to you. Sometimes you've to go to them.
