22nd February, 2009
Question
I've been married to a man 7 years my senior for the past three years. We also have a beautiful son whom we both adore. I became pregnant in the very early stages of our relationship which was a huge upset to me. I was very young and hadn't even finished my third level education. However the love and support of my husband made me feel confident and secure enough to carry on. I am now in my late '20's - and how things have changed.
My husband lost his job six months ago and since then I'm the sole earner, with responsibility for all bills. I have done very well in my job, got promoted regularly, and have also returned to finish my education. I'm also doing all the housework. And recently, I seem to have become responsible for the majority of interaction with our son.
My husband has become increasingly bad-tempered and impatient, not to mention lazy and unwilling to help. He doesn't even drop our son off to day-care. He refuses to cook or do any household chores. He is paranoid and believes everyone is against him. We have no sex life. I cannot cope. My husband refuses to even apply for jobs, saying there is nothing out there, even though I offer constant help with application forms, or whatever.
In company he is arrogant and loud, often causing me great embarrassment. I have no family close to me, so no support. I try to tell him how much I care and that losing his job was not a reflection on him personally, but I am finding it increasingly hard to love him. He shows so little respect or thought for me.
I know that when we love we should do so unconditionally. But it is getting to the stage where life would be easier as a single parent. He refuses to talk and we have no quality time together. I am not sleeping and find I regularly want to burst into tears. He used to be such a wonderful father, but now has little interest in listening to our son, and rarely responds or shows interest in him when he's around.
As a parent I won't let my relationship damage my precious son. I've worked so hard to show him the values of respect and love. My husband sneers when I suggest counselling, even though I've suggested joint counselling, and do understand that there may be areas I need to improve on too. What do I do?
Answer
I've always had a problem with this notion of unconditional love. It's far too woolly and leaves people floundering in seriously flawed thinking.
Your husband's behaviour is unacceptable. This is true even if he is seriously psychiatrically ill. What I mean is that your situation is not to be borne. That's what you're really telling me. The only question, therefore, is whether or not your husband is capable of what psychiatrists call 'insight'. If he's mentally ill - which is possible - then you need to get him professional help, basically whether he wants it or not. And if this proves impossible, then you have to seriously think about changing your circumstances. You cannot have a situation where someone is incapable of controlling himself because he's mentally ill, but at the same time retains control by refusing help. You are entitled to a place of peace.
If your husband is not mentally ill, then he is making a choice to behave as he does. And since the behaviour is unacceptable, he has to take the consequences of his actions. Of course every loving partner gives the other person a period of grace when things go badly wrong. I'm not talking emotional savagery here. And no, I'm can't spell out the time limit. The point is, you've been generous and your husband's period of grace is up. Otherwise you wouldn't be talking to me. You'd still be soldiering on.
His ego has taken a huge battering. That much is clear. Instead of facing that fact, he's retreated into non-functioning and nastiness. That's not good for him, let alone his marriage. In that sense you're not doing your husband any favours by allowing it to continue. He has to be forced to face reality. That means you have to face reality. Your husband has removed himself, not only from his marriage, but also from all responsibility for himself - bad news, for everyone.
The time for tea and sympathy is over. Deal with what's going on. This isn't about job applications anymore. This is about serious dysfunction. Check out what you really feel. Can you confront your husband with the unacceptability of his behaviour? Is that safe? Or is he so far out of it all that you suspect, say, serious depression? If so, get professional help. The bottom line is simple. Things have to change. Start the process.
