4th May, 2008
Question
I'm training for a tough, high-profile, traditionally male job, have a good family that loves me and whom I love, a loving extended family, a steady and bright career ahead, and some very good friends. Yet I'm not happy. I've been feeling alone for years and I'm only 21. What's wrong with me? I think I'm afraid to say it out loud. I think I might be lesbian.
I know some people feel sexuality is a fluid thing and they would say that I shouldn't label myself. But I've been feeling like this for years and need an answer. And please don't tell me I'm too young to decide. Surely if it was a mere passing phase, it wouldn't have stayed lurking in the shadows of my mind for so long.
I have always really admired the strong women in my life, teachers, characters on television, and it was only the other day, believe it or not, that I realised I'm attracted to them too. I'm in a job where, if I am a lesbian, I will have to keep it secret for the next 30 years and where I'll have rumours surrounding me all the time. I want this job, but I don't want to spend my life alone.
I wish there was a test I could take that would tell me once and for all what I already know in my heart. There are times when I'm in my car and feel tempted to smash it into a tree. I know I'd never have the guts to do that, but it worries me that I even think about it. When I can't hide my distress any more, I have friends asking me why I'm down, but I can't tell them. I don't talk about my feelings. I act tough, but I'm actually quite sensitive and take things to heart.
In the last year I've grown in confidence and have been tempted lately to talk to my best friend, who is male, about the confusion I feel around my sexual identity. I think he would understand and I'd definitely trust him not to say anything, yet there is still something stopping me.
There's a fellow female trainee whom I now constantly fantasize about. It's no exaggeration to say that I think about her every minute I'm awake. If she sits beside me, I can't help but smile inside. Just having her next to me is more than I could hope for. Her cheeky laugh sends butterflies to the pit of my stomach. I don't know if she's lesbian or not. I can't ask for obvious reasons.
For a long time I though I was in love with a male friend who was unattainable. But I was never attracted to him the way I'm now attracted to women and particularly this woman.
I feel I'm losing who I am. And I don't want to let family and friends down.
Answer
Your sexual orientation isn't going to let anybody down. It's not about them anyway, it's about you. Nor is a career change going to let anybody down either, if that's at the back of your mind. It's your career, your life, your decision. If you are a lesbian, and if being a lesbian in your current career choice would be just too hard, then you change careers.
Do you understand? This isn't about anybody else. It's about you. Sure it impacts on them. But think about it. Your family and friends would very keenly feel the repercussions of you wrapping yourself around a tree wouldn't they? Keep your perspective.
I don't think you're too young to decide. I do think you sound shaky about who you really are. Settling your sexual orientation won't solve that. Identity is about a lot more than who we fancy.
Look at what you tell me. You're sensitive, take things to heart, but don't say so. Instead you act tough. You've also taken on the task of making it in a man's world. And you've been consciously aching for a strong female role model all your life. Doesn't that sound like someone trying very hard to be a particular kind of woman? Said differently, doesn't that sound like an anxious, soft female frantically trying to be someone else? Your fellow female trainee has a cheeky laugh. Would you like to have one too? Is that what's happening here? Have you found the woman you would like to be? And because you feel attracted to the image, you think that means you're gay?
Modern society offers sexual orientation as some sort of shortcut to personal identity. It goes like this: Feel insecure about who you are? Simple. Settle for being gay. Yes, I'm exaggerating, but not much. And of course the notion itself is nonsense. You could decide to-morrow that you're lesbian, find out that your colleague is too, link up with her, and still be totally inauthentic as a human being, not to mention as a woman.
Discovering you're a lesbian doesn't solve the dilemma of living a false life. If the life you lead, the way you behave, the career choice you've made, is some kind of hiding place, foreign to who you really are, then you will continue to be unhappy. Think about it. There are tough women who are straight, and soft gentle ones who are gay. Gay or straight, women can burst into tears easily, or bury all feelings deep inside, seek adventure or crave a quiet life, be tough, or tender. Put bluntly, you are not out there trying to make it in a man's world because you're lesbian.
You're struggling, and need someone to talk to. I don't think confiding in your friend should be your first move. A counsellor brings confidentiality, and provides a safe place for emotional exploration. Think about talking to one.
