26th July, 2009
Question
I am 53, single, and have been involved with a married colleague for the past twenty-five years. He is now 63. He has always been kind, and a close friend through difficult times. I ended the relationship a few times, but he has always been the one to come back, or 'reserve' the right to phone me and see I'm OK.
Lately I've realised that life has passed me by. He, for his part, now has a new interest, his first grandchild. He won't say how he feels about me, but says he is quite happy to continue as we are. He also says that any decisions are mine. I feel bereft. It's lonely seeing other couples at weekends and having nobody. And there is no chance for me now. I love him to bits, and the two friends who know about our relationship both say he cares about me. He certainly has shown it, but I just can't get him to say it.
Ironically, I never expected him to leave her for me. He talks of having made a commitment to her and he has always said that if it broke up, or she died, he would not come to me. Yet he shows he cares by being exceptionally supportive whenever I need him. I am sad, unrecognised, and afraid to go backwards or forwards. I did go to counselling and was advised to ask that we go out on dates, instead of him just visiting my home.
I don't know what to do. I love him very much and want him in my life. But I am also depressed because it has only now dawned on me that any hope of a romantic relationship is unlikely at my age. How do people accept these relationships without feeling hurt? He has acknowledged that there is a 'lot of pain' for me in the relationship, but he won't end it. I don't even enjoy our meetings lately. It all seems so futile and I genuinely don't know how he feels about me.
Answer
Your problem is not that you're a married man's mistress. The problem is your passivity. You tell me he won't end it. Why don't you? You're the one who is suffering. He's happy with his lot. You also say that you broke it off several times, but he 'reserved his right' to ring you. The telling truth is that you reserved your right to take his calls. You didn't mean it when you walked away. And now you're creating a new cage for yourself. Countless thousands are starting new lives, new loves, new wedded bliss at your age - many of them the walking wounded of failed first marriages. Why would you be any different?
You're not a fool. Barren as the landscape of your relationship might seem, it fed a deep need in you. Otherwise you wouldn't have stayed there for 25 years. It's the same with all relationships. They survive because they serve our needs, however unlikely it may seem. Until we respect that fact, we can't move on. You got enough of what you wanted from the relationship in the past. Otherwise you would have ended it.
Certainly your lover went after what he wanted. From the way you tell it, however, he never lied. He didn't do the usual married man act of saying how unhappy he was, promising to end his marriage, falsely keeping up your hopes. Indeed he made it quite clear that even if he were free, he wouldn't turn to you. And he insisted on secrecy. There were no weekends away, no dates at distant locations, no second circle of shared friends. And he never said he loved you. This man didn't mess about.
The point is, you're not a victim. You took the terms he offered. And no, I'm not giving out to you. I'm just hammering home the message that you made a choice, on an ongoing basis, to accept what your lover was prepared to give. You still have that choice.
The ground has clearly shifted. You say you 'love him to bits', but you no longer enjoy his visits. Sexual passion is probably slowly evolving into the need for greater companionship. The difficult times of your young womanhood have undoubtedly eased, meaning his role in your life has changed. Talk of a grandchild may even be frankly boring. The narrow base of your relationship, in short, has got even narrower. The frustration you feel at his continued refusal to say he loves you is really misplaced. The whole reality of the relationship is frustrating. Him saying he loves you would solve nothing.
Shift the focus. Go out into the wide world and sample what's on offer - group travelling, a new fitness regime, a cookery class in Hanoi. This isn't about ending the relationship. It's about altering the use of your energy. Why waste time asking your friends if your lover cares, or asking him to say he cares, or wondering if there's another man out there. Your life is now. Explore it. Even the happiest of relationships are also a habit. And habits are hard to break. Ease yourself into the unfamiliarity of doing things differently. Take baby steps. Or even just one baby step. It will be awful for a while. And then it will be OK. And then after that, the relationship question will solve itself.
