9th November, 2008
Question
We are two professionals, married for 14 years, with two children. I thought we had a good marriage. We were very good friends and I felt we were very open with each other. My mother died in recent years and I felt very alone. I am an only child and my father died when I was very young. I therefore depended on my husband for emotional support during the difficult times.
Suddenly, three years ago, I discovered that my beloved husband was spending a lot of money of which I was totally unaware. We don't have a joint account, each running their own financial affairs and contributing equally to joint outgoings. He had taken out several loans, overdrawn on credit cards etc. He had nothing to show for this spending, no fancy car, no boys' toys, no expensive clothes. And it certainly wasn't spent on improving our lifestyle together.
When I confronted him he was completely remorseful and begged for forgiveness. Although I was devastated by the deceit and lies which had clearly been involved, I foolishly helped him sort out his debts. After I had dealt with the immediate issue of those spiralling debts, I knew I had to find out where the money had gone. It was not immediately evident. During this time we continued to live together and get on with our daily lives. It was extremely difficult for me to forgive him, but I felt that if he could be open and honest about the reason for the vanishing funds, I could try to understand. It didn't work out that way.
I tried to talk to my husband to get some truths, suggesting all the usual problems like alcohol, gambling, drugs, an affair. But he continued to maintain that it was just bad money management. I believed that the problem was solved, although I never got any answers or saw any paperwork to confirm that he had changed. He had promised to present figures/bank statements etc. but never did. All discussions on the subject ended in huge rows, with him walking out and disappearing for hours as he wasn't happy about my lack of trust. All that said, it never occurred to me that it could possibly happen again.
A month ago I found a bank statement with a huge overdraft. A considerable amount of money had once again disappeared. I was in shock, and totally devastated. I asked him to leave until this got sorted out, but he refused. He's now seeing a counsellor.
I cannot believe that the man I married could continue to lie and deceive me for so long. I feel my marriage is a complete sham. It's supposed to be about sharing thoughts and feelings, but my husband has been emotionally and financially detached from me for a very long time. He's like a lodger in the house and has no interest in it as a home. He is very good with our children and I know he must be hurting so much inside as he hasn't got anyone to open up to. His family know nothing. I'm worried about his mental health.
He now says I want him to suffer. I certainly want him to take responsibility for what he has done. We are financially secure as a couple, but I don't want to get involved in any re-mortgaging of our house to pay off his debts. So yes, I do want him to suffer financially. But the real problem is that I don't think he properly comprehends what he has done.
Answer
You've become the conscience, the querying mother, the disapproving other. That's what happens when a husband or wife behave irresponsibly. The partnership goes out the window, replaced by a good guy bad guy routine. Counsellors would tell us not to do it. It's extraordinarily difficult to heed them, and still stay together as a couple. That said, there is some room for manoeuvre.
Of course you want to know where the money went. And yes, in ordinary circumstances your husband would tell you. But these are turbulent times. So here's a simple question. Do you really need to know? If the deal is that your husband delivers half your living costs, can you not leave it to him to do just that? He's seeing a counsellor. He says he'll clean up his act. Do you need to know anymore?
No, I'm not suggesting that you leave yourself open to financial ruin. Certainly there are legal implications in terms of clearing a husband's debts. I understand, too, that you can't recapture the innocence of total trust. But since you don't yet want to throw away your marriage entirely, can't you sort that stuff out with a solicitor? In doing so, believe me, the emotional situation will slowly clarify itself.
You see, the real problem is not that your husband fails to comprehend what he has done, as you put it. Your husband knows exactly what has happened. He spent large sums of money, ran up huge debts, you've bailed him out before, and he's hanging in there. Between you there's still reasonable wealth. He hasn't hit rock bottom. Yes, he's seeing a counsellor. And yes, there must be hope that he will reform. But he's not yet taking real responsibility.
He's putting you in the position of hangman. He says you want him to suffer. That's not the point. He needs to suffer himself, to see the error of his ways himself, to ditch the addiction himself. This whole mess has nothing to do with you. It's his mess. Shifting the emphasis onto you is not appropriate. But by staying in there, finger wagging, full of anger and disappointment and despair, and asking where the money went, you're allowing your husband to do just that, namely go on about your anger, rather than his lack of real insight into the mess he's made.
Find a financial bottom line. Fix it legally. Tell him you don't want to lose him, and then leave your husband to kick his addiction. Be kind, compassionate but absolutely firm. Hard, but perhaps it might help if you recognise why. You're just so desperately disappointed. You wanted your husband to be a better man. And maybe he will be. He just has to do it himself.
