11th May, 2008
Question
I'm a woman in my late '20's and have been single for the past three years. Before that I was in a long-term loving relationship, which was great until we realised that we wanted different things and split up. This did break my heart, and I am still getting over it. I have had a couple of short term relationships since, but nothing serious.
I have a close loving family, a good circle of friends both male and female, and would be considered attractive. I'm a good listener, and a caring friend, but am super-sensitive and very self-conscious. Although I enjoy socialising in pubs and clubs at weekends, I find it hard to go out without having a few drinks before-hand, as it makes it easier to talk to people.
Lately, on a night out, I drank far too much, something I didn't realise at the time because I felt relaxed and completely comfortable. At this point I would like to make it clear that I am a respectable girl and don't sleep around. However, the morning after these typical nights out, I always feel really down and guilty because of my actions - which can involve saying the wrong thing, or just being very drunk, or ending up with someone I know I have no future with because they're married, or just not a real option.
I wish this pattern would change and wonder how I can help myself. No amount of reassurance from loving family or friends makes me feel worthy or deserving of anything better.
Answer
It wasn't just one night, was it? I know you're trying to be honest, but you're finding it hard. The truth is you drink too much, too often, and end up wasted, in some unsuitable bed, on a reasonably regular basis. That's what you're really telling me.
You have a problem with alcohol. In plain language, you're an alcoholic.
Yes, I understand completely all the psychological overtones and undertones. The loss of the man you loved hit a raw nerve. It mobilised all your deeply felt insecurities. It laid bear the fact that you feel unworthy of love and respect. It triggered a deep sense of despair. Undoubtedly, too, it unleashed a lot of anger that had nowhere to go. After all, you can't beat a man for not wanting what you want. So you're beating yourself up instead.
Right this minute, however, none of that matters. The first step to solving your distress isn't psychological insight, or motivational analysis about how this all came about. The first step is acknowledging the damaging behaviour. You're drinking too much. It doesn't matter why. It's happening. The next step is deciding to stop.
The reason is simple. Your alcohol abuse is damaging your dignity, reinforcing your depression, driving you deeper into the hole of self-loathing. It's also clouding your vision, skewing your perspective on life, deadening your sensibilities, removing you from reality. Your problem is behavioural, not psychological. Your problem is alcohol abuse, not the reasons for it.
I know this may sound strange, even unsympathetic. That's because there's a myth running round society which says that if we understand why, then we stop what we're doing - be it beating the kids, being serially sexually unfaithful, losing our temper, dismissing the life-saving diet, or doing drugs Not so. Knowing of itself is not enough. In fact, knowing why we do something wrong isn't even necessary in order to change. What's necessary is the determination to stop.
Contact an alcohol counsellor, Alcoholics Anonymous, ANEW -who specifically support women overcoming alcohol abuse - the help out there is boundless.
