26th April, 2009
Question
I recently quit drinking alcohol - late last summer to be precise. For the past ten years I had been getting progressively worse. Towards the end I was blacking out every time I drank. One morning, after doing some petty stupid stuff while drunk, I decided this was it. I haven't had a drink since. I quit smoking after Christmas. And I recently made a career change with a move to a new company, beating off stiff competition. So you could say I had quite a few changes going on.
My husband, however, drinks every day, but doesn't get drunk. He also continues to smoke. At first this didn't bother me, but over the months it really began to irk me. I felt lonely, left out, pissed off. So, before I knew what was happening, I ended up starting what I would call an emotional affair. I met the man early in December, and saw him as my soul mate. He lives several hours away, but we've managed to see each other reasonably regularly. Last time we met we ended up turning it into a physical affair.
I am so confused right now about what to do. I have been so depressed and am having a hard time getting out of bed. I feel I have so much going on. But maybe the worst thing is that I am not feeling as guilty as I should for doing what I did. I have been with my husband 15 years and never ever cheated until last month. What is going on with me?
Answer
Two things are happening. You're discovering that there's more to kicking the alcohol habit than giving up the booze. And you're experiencing the harsh reality of trying to end addiction on your own.
I hope you're not offended that I talk of addiction, but there's no point in pussy-footing around reality. You're a recovering alcoholic. That's not a put-down. I'm saluting your bravery, and also saying that you shouldn't be surprised at your emotional derailment. This is a big deal.
Let's talk about your marriage first. Where was it over the past 10 years or more? Where was your husband? Where were you? Did he like you drinking? Did you row about it? Did he try to control you, or drink with you, or withdraw in anger and helplessness? Did you hide it from him, dismiss any attempt he made to talk about it, or shout him into silence? Did you tell him you felt anxious, afraid, angry, lonely, shut off? All I have are the clues you gave in your description of the way you gave up drinking. You didn't ask your husband for help. You didn't expect to get any. And in the first few months of sobriety, you didn't even really register that he continued his drinking routine, apparently oblivious to the sea-change you were going through. Doesn't it seem that your marriage - in terms of an emotional relationship - sort of disappeared somewhere in your drinking?
I'm saying this for a simple reason, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with any blame-game. Life will be full of continuing emotional pitfalls, not to mention the confusion you so clearly articulate, until you figure out your pattern of emotional responses. Are you someone who shuts others out? Do you reject all help? Do you hide from emotional intimacy? Do you avoid conflict, have difficulty acknowledging anger, or bully your way through rows? What moves did you make during your 13 years of marriage? Who are you, in psychological terms?
I can see that you still think like a victim. Despite all the wonderful and hugely courageous steps you have taken, you still don't see yourself as powerful, still don't feel in charge of your own life. Look at how you tell me about the man you've met. Before you knew what was happening, you say, you'd started an emotional affair. It happened, outside your conscious control. And not because you found someone you liked, but because you felt lonely, left out and pissed off at your husband. That's the language of all victims, all addicts. They never speak of personal choice, let alone personal responsibility. And no, I'm not beating you up, just trying to help you onto safer ground.
The reason you feel confused is simple. You still don't feel in charge of your life. That's because you are still very out of touch with your feelings. I hear nothing of anger, or sadness, or joy, or proper pride in yourself. You neither salute your achievements nor mourn your loss of at last ten years of your life. So how could you possibly feel guilty?
Yes, I know you've told me that you've met your soul-mate. My concern is that this is somehow missing the point. Think about it. You were sober, cigarette-less and had a new job. You had made giant strides. Your husband, however, was out-of-touch. Wasn't that an opportunity for the new you to speak, challenge, engage in a dialogue? Instead, in a very real way, you simply ran away - again. Last time it was alcohol. This time it's a soul-mate. Can you see at all where I'm coming from?
You have a lot of emotional homework to do. Would you not consider getting some help? You are such a brave woman. Think about seeing an alcohol counsellor, or go to ANEW who support specifically women who have battled with alcohol, or Alcoholics Anonymous?
